Page 30 of Soul of a Psycho

“You are such a freak,” she says.

“Yes. I am.” I back away from her, not wanting anything to do with her. “So stay the fuck away from me.”

I feel her eyes burn into the back of my hood as I make my way out of the library. My cover is blown for now, but maybe it’s for the best. Encounters like that are the reason I stay in my shack. Plus, I need to release some tension…

Once I’m under the canopy of trees, I breathe a little better, lower my hood, and make my way to the pine tree. It’s past the shack by a mile, but it has the oldest roots of all the trees and stretches high beyond the others, like a watchful grandfather, giving the saplings something to strive for.

I don’t know what that shit was with Britney. Typically, I’m invisible—I’ve made it just so. And she hasn’t spoken to me since Sophomore year. Not since she held her phone out in front of her, showing me what everyone thought was so funny. So whythe fuck did she have the audacity to approach me? Did she see me watching Sky?

I slam my foot against the thick trunk and heave myself up to the first branch, letting the bark bite into my palm as I pull myself up. I push off with a leap and grab the next branch. I do this over and again, until I’m midway up and pause to look down. I’m probably ten feet up, but I’m feeling especially tense, and the top is probably my best bet right now.

I grab the thick limb above me with both hands and raise my chest over it, swinging a leg up and over, and then maneuvering myself until I’m sitting. I pant, tasting the deep pine on my tongue, and take only a second of a break before I carefully come to my feet. My arms burn in a good way. I don’t think there’s a greater work out for your muscles than forcing them to keep you alive. If I fell from this height, I would surely shatter every bone in my body—soft soil or not—and that’s a fate I deserve if I can’t hold on.

There’s a gap to the next limb, probably three feet, and if I want to go any higher, I have to jump to it. It’s like the tree is only willing to let those worthy elevate any further. I give a little customary bounce, testing the bough for new damage, before I spring and lunge at the limb. For a moment, I’m weightless, untethered, and a thrill rushes through me.

Sometimes I hope I don’t make it.

Sometimes I hope I’m not worthy just so I can meet my end.

I’m not religious, but I know where I’m going if I don’t die before graduation. I know that heaven’s gates won’t open up for me if I succeed. I’ve accepted it. But sometimes, the pearly promise of an eternity of peace tempts me.

So, yes, sometimes I want to die… because that’s the only way I can be stopped.

No such luck, though. My hands catch the limb, like they always do, and the thrill vanishes. I ascend the rest of the way in a somber dissonance.

When I reach the top, the train tracks are empty in the distance, and the sun is just disappearing behind the mountains. It casts an eerie glow through the leaves beneath me, and my spirits lift a little. It seems there is some truth in misery liking company. I wrap an arm around the thinning trunk and scoot until I can have a seat. I look out over the tops of the trees that create an infinite forest, keeping my back to Hillcrest. I don’t need its steeples ruining the view. But I still feel it, looming and brimming with rabid dogs. Rabid dogs that will be released into the world if I don’t succeed.

I suddenly feel a little bad about wanting to die. I can’t do that to society. I can’t let them be poisoned the same way I’ve been—even if I am resigning my soul to hell.

I sigh and look up at the emerging stars.

This is the closest to Heaven I’ll ever get.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Sky

Inibble on the KitKat I got from the vending machine as I leave the library and make my way back to Lamb Hall. The temperature has dropped significantly in just a few weeks, and I shiver as my steps crunch on the fresh fallen leaves.

I hope Ruby has the radiator running. I’ve become accustomed to the rattling it makes, finally sleeping soundly through the rumble it makes when it turns on and off. I’ve become accustomed to grounds, too, able to weave my way through the quads without looking up. I can even make it to all my classes with time to spare now.

And I think I like it here.

I mean, there’s the food, for one. I think I’m giving whoever restocks the vending machine a run for their money with the way I make it spit out candy bar after candy bar. Not to mention all the options for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I’m sure Ruby thinks I have a binge eating problem—actually, I know she does because she said so. Even though it’s really just that I was never allowed carbs and sweets at home. And that’s another thing. Ruby. I never would have been friends with someone like her back home. For one, my father would have never allowed it, and two, I think I wasn’treadyto havea friend like Ruby. Someone who always speaks their mind no matter how brash the words may be.

There’s been moments when I want to tell her about Chase, something in me aching to not be the only one holding my grief, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t believe me. Just like everyone else.

But that’s another thing I like here.

No one knows.

I’m coming to terms with the idea that my father may have inadvertently done me a kindness. It was far from his intention, but I’m more than grateful.

I’m also coming to terms with the fact that I’m never going to see Cade again. I don’t know how in the span of a month, in a school of eight-hundred, I haven’t crossed paths with him once. He’s never come back to my room, he doesn’t come to the food hall for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, and I never find him studying in the library—a place where I’ve been spending a lot of time.

He’s still all I think about, like a splinter in my finger that just won’t budge, but I’m realizing if I stay busy enough, I can ignore the discomfort.

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