Page 84 of Vicious Sentiments

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I’m sitting on the heated bathroom floor in my room. Cape was adamant that I needed to stay near the toilet, even though I’m pretty sure I got out all the chicken nuggets. I can’t tell if I’m more embarrassed that I threw up or angry that Cape won’t go to El Cuco, especially if it’s a real possibility that something has happened to Julian.

He’s in the bathroom doorway, hands bracing himself on the top of the frame and feet crossed, leaning in. A tiny bit of his shirt has rid up and I can just see a bit of his tattoos on his sculpted V cut.

I look away.

The answer is both. I’m both embarrassed and upset with him.

“Cape…” I start.

“Jesus, you’re going to lay into me too?” He cracks his neck, and my vision is pulled back to him as he folds his arms, leveling me with a look that says,try it.

“I think they are right,” I say. I may not know all the dynamics of the house but I know that Cape loves Julian. The way he reacted when Dillon said what he did is enough for me to know that. I can also tell that as much as he’s trying to bury it, he’s worried too.

“I know you are scared but—”

“Scared?” He raises his brows.

“Yes.” I try to be brave. “You’re scared after what happened to Madison.” I’ve never mentioned her name to him before and I don’tknow what to expect, so I hurry trying to get out what I want to say before he storms away or grabs me by my neck.

“I can’t imagine what that was like… What it’s still like for you. But you are all Julian has right now, and he needs you. I feel it Cape. I felt it the second I didn’t wake up to him in the room four days ago that something was wrong. I understand why you don’t want to get involved, but what happened to Madison wasn’t your fault. She didn’t die by your hands. I know you probably tried to find her, to save her and were too late but you might not be too late for Julian. Please. Please.”

I knot my hands over and again in my lap, waiting for the backlash of my words, but all there is is silence, and I’m afraid to look up. I probably said too much, things I have no business talking about. I never met Madison and everything I know is second hand. But I’d be a coward if I didn’t try to advocate for Julian with everything I have. Julian may not have known it at the time, but he saved me. If not that night, then another night I would have eventually ended up under that bridge, lifeless and cold.

When I can’t stand it anymore, I finally look up and my face falls. Cape’s eyes are glassy and vacant, staring into nothing. He’s rigid except for the tic in his jaw and his hands are in fists at his sides.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, getting to my feet. I reach out to touch him and then pause, not sure how he’ll react. It’s as if he’s a broken animatronic toy that might have a power surge and spaz out.

“Cape?” I try gently.

I have to stop myself from jumping in my skin when he speaks.

“I’m not scared,” His voice is nothing more than a husky breath. “I’m terrified.”

My heart breaks in slow motion, chips so tiny they flake off lightly and swirl in my chest until there’s nothing left. There isn’t a thing I can say. I know that there is nothing that can make somethingso monumental better.

“I was supposed to protect her,” he says, still not looking at me. “And I was reckless. She’s gone because I couldn’t hold my temper, because I burned someone that I could have let go.”

“That’s not going to happen again.” He needs to know that. He needs to know that this isn’t the same.

“Julian’s more level headed than me. Whatever he’s gotten himself into, he’s better off without me,” he says.

“No. He needs you. Please,” I beg and allow myself to touch him, placing my hands on his chest. His body ripples and he blinks, looking down at me. A single tear catches in his lashes, and it’s simultaneously the most crushing and most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

The way he’s looking at me makes me feel like I’m asking him to fall on his sword and not save his brother. He’s all war and duty as a man, and I think I’ve failed.

“Please.” I lay my head on his chest, unable to look at him and know how much it hurts him for me to ask.

Chapter Forty-Five

I’m second guessing what I’ve done by the second day after convincing Cape to go find Julian. Now they are both gone and what if neither returns? I’m thinking this but I’m staring at a text from Cape that says he’s currently fine. Followed by another that says he’s about to lose service.

I think Margo got the same text because she suddenly starts chewing on her cheek and clicks her phone off with more force than necessary. When she drops it on the table it clatters her wine glass, and Dillon looks up from his plate at the dinner table.

Marney is at a sleepover and there isn’t a shred of cheer in the room. I would give anything to listen to her rant about how amazing my birthday is going to be, just for the distraction.

Dillon isn’t as tense as me and Margo, but he keeps watching Margo like she’s one second from falling apart. I can admire his concern for her, but I think it’s misplaced. As horrible as I think it would be for her to lose both her sons, she doesn’t strike me as the type of woman to fall on her knees. I imagine she would cry in private and raise her chin in public. Something I haven’t learned the art of because I sullied Cape’s shirt with tears when he kissed me goodbye.

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