Page 93 of Her Pretty Words

“Well, I know why, but I’ve actually only said the words once.” She waits patiently while I clench my jaw and try to steel myself enough to speak. My eyes sting when I say, “My entire family died in a car accident when I was six.” A tear slides down my cheek when I blink. “I’ve been isolated since then, until recently. I haven’t had much to lose, but now I love this girl and—” My voice breaks. “I can’t lose her too.”

Linda is kind and sensitive. I tell her about the anxiety and the reoccurring nightmare. She suggests an approach called EMDR. She explains that it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and that it helps people healfrom trauma. Linda says she can direct my eye movements by moving her hand from side to side, or I can choose to tap my thighs bilaterally while I recall the memory of that day. Apparently, this process will help me overcome the PTSD.

We schedule for twice a week. I leave through the waiting room, smiling when I inhale the scent.

The hot sun greets me when I step outside, and I glance at the beige building, not as intimidated by it as I was an hour ago.

I’ve already had four therapy sessions by the time I get Macy’s text.

I’m going to rent a moving van and drive my stuff down. I’ll be home in a week or so.

The week she’s on the road, Linda tells me it might be good to spend time with a friend. When I call Elliot, I hold Macy’s hair tie in my hand, hoping the blue thing will give me the courage to say the words again. He answers on the second ring. “Hey, I know you probably don’t want to hear from me, man. I-I wanted to apologize for the other night and explain.”

It’s silent for three heart beats. “Okay.”

I tell him that we already met when we were kids and that my family passed away, not able to get into much detail. I explain my PTSD diagnosis, which Linda officially gave me. “That night when I got the alert that Macy was in a crash, it was like I was reliving it. I just wanted to let you know. I’m sorry that I scared you and the girls.”

“Shit,” he says. “I’ve heard bits and pieces about what happened to your family while I was growing up, but I had no idea it wasyou. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“How would you know? And hey, do you mind telling Julia and Sarah? I don’t want them to think I’m some nutjob dating their friend.”

“Of course, man. I’m not doing anything tomorrow; you want to do something?”

I release a relieved breath. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

The next day, Julia and Sarah lay on chairs and bathe in sunlight. They don’t treat me any differently than they do each other, and I’m grateful for it. Elliot and I sit on a sandy sheet beneath the navy-blue umbrella he brought. He hands me a slice of watermelon, and when I take the first bite, sticky juice drips down my chin.

“Hey, by the way, I need to spend the night at your house,” Julia says to her sister.

Sarah lowers her sunglasses and raises a brow.

“There was a cockroach in my bathroom,” she says as way of explanation.

“I’m not following,” Elliot says.

Julia sighs. “I screamed and shut the door. I have no clue where it went! It could beanywherenow.”

For the first time in weeks, I laugh.

“I’d eat a cockroach for the right amount of money,” Elliot says.

“That’s disgusting,” Julia says.

“You would too for the right price.”

“No, I wouldn’t!”

“Ten thousand dollars?” I ask.

She looks at me like she’s considering it, then Elliot claps his hands together and says, “Told you!” He leans back on his elbows. “You just have to get past that initial pop.”

Sarah snorts and Julia looks like she might retch.

Later that day, Elliot and I search Julia’s house for the insect. After an hour, Elliot sighs and says, “I guess Julia is sleeping on our pullout couch.”

I’m so exhausted from being in the sun for the majority of the day that I fall asleep the second my head touches my pillow. No nightmares.

“How would you say your anxiety has been on a scale from one to ten since our last session?” Linda asks, crossing her legs at the ankle and tilting her head, awaiting my reply.

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