Page 94 of The Moment Promised

Dissociated completely, I give Finn a blank expression before entering the house and leaving through the front door.

If I want Jason out of my house, I’ll just have to do it myself.

I only get three feet from the Walker’s yard before Finn is right beside me, matching my fast strides. “Where are you going, love?”

“Home.”

“Okay… And what do you plan on doing when you get there?”

I stop walking and face him. Realizing how pathetic and thoughtless my plan was. What was I going to do anyway? Scream at the man until he packed his bags and goes on his merry way? That’s not how things work in the real world. Maybe in one of my fiction reads, but I live in the world where my father leaves scars on my mother.

Finn must read every thought from my facial expression because he says, “We’ll get rid of him. Together. Once we’ve figured out a safe way to do so.” He brushes my cheek lightly with the tips of his fingers, the touch reminds my body of what he can make me feel.

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” I admit. Tears pool in my eyes and slide down my cheeks.

“You weren’t, love. You weren’t,” Finn coos, pulling me into his arms.

I cry for what feels like eternity before either of us say another word. Embarrassment and regret tear me apart. I’m so ashamed. I will fully understand if Finn seeing me like this drains his feelings for me.

“About what happened with your mom,” Finn starts.

I squeeze my eyes shut. Remembering how the hurtful words tasted as I spoke them. Preparing myself to hear Finn’sI’m not interested in you anymore.

“You were hurt. She’ll understand,” he says instead.

I don’t deserve to be let off the hook that easily. I deserve ridicule and shame. And no matter how much I apologize to my mom, it won’t make the words any less true. You can’t take back words, and you can’t deny them if they’re true.

“I meant what I said,” I whisper, as if I were spilling out all of my sins. Afraid God might hear them and shun me away.

“I know.” He cups my jaw. “And that’s okay.” He softly smiles.

The world isn’t just black and white after all. I’m allowed to think and feel the way I do toward my mother, given the circumstances I was delt, while loving her at the same time. Yes, she let Jason back in. Yes, she drank herself into poor health. But no one does those things without reason. Maybe once I hear her side, I’ll be able to be rid of this weight that’s been pulling me down since I was a little girl.

And then maybe, just maybe, I’ll find forgiveness.

Maybe I can finally heal.

It’s been three days since the blow out with my mom. Three day’s we’ve been tiptoeing around one another in a house that isn’t ours. Three days of wishing I could go back in time and stop myself from adding lighter fluid to the devastating forest fire that is our relationship.

I should’ve waited to have that conversation with her. I couldn’t have chosen a worse time—with her just out of rehab, still incredibly vulnerable mentally and physically, and with Jason doing God only knows what to her. I’m the worst person.

The worst daughter.

I inhale, trying to pull confidence from a source that doesn’t exist. I grip the sink, and stare at my reflection. I pull my messy hair out of the bun that lays on top of my head, the crazy red strands float around my face. This girl in the mirror looks fierce. Fiery. Like one wrong look at her and she’ll devour you whole like a lioness.

Looks can be deceiving.

My shoulders sink and my eyes drop to my nails that are bitten to the nailbed.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Repeat.

I need answers. I need to understand what my mother is going through. How did Jason brainwash her again?

Once I can grasp how far he’s dug into her, I can finally untangle the knot of lies she’s been convinced are truths. Maybe once I can erase Jason altogether, it will be enough for her to gather the strength to heal. To heal herself so in timewecan heal.

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