Page 86 of Golden Burn

The next time Etta speaks, she seems to have gathered herself. “They say in order to heal after a pet has died, the quickest and easiest way is to get another. It’s impossible to be sad with a cute puppy around.” Shesteps toward me, her movements tentative. “But humans are different. Replacing a wife—the greatest love you will ever experience—with another woman… It just doesn’t work like that. So, I guess I wanted to say that you may never come to love me like you loved Gen. And I’m fine with it, truly.

“Our marriage may not be conventional, and I know I make this hard because I’ve never loved someone like you have before. But I think it would be nice if we could still be partners. Wouldn’t it?”

I can’t speak. My throat is too tight.

Jesus fucking Christ, she has no idea, does she? If there was one woman I could ever fall in love with, it would be her. It would be Etta.

“Yes, of course,” I finally say.

“Good. Good. You’re a great man, Odin. Agoodman covered in scars you didn’t deserve.” She closes the gap and reaches for my hands. When we touch, a whole universe of possibility bursts into being. “I see you now and I support you.”

No. She needs to stop talking. She needs to turn around and go back into that apartment and stop ruining me further.

“I look forward to marrying you tomorrow.” I want to collapse to the ground. Etta lets go and steps away from me.No. No. Come back. Stay with me.“Goodnight.”

And because my heart is no longer in my ribcage, but resting in her hands, I have the confidence to say, “Harvey.”

Etta stills. “Pardon?”

Smiling, I offer her all of me. “Before my life went to shit, my name was Harvey.”

Etta swallows, then smiles, then her eyes begin to water. “Harvey,” she breathes. I’ve never heard a more splendid sound. At this moment,she really does see me. She sees everything and she couldn’t be more delighted.

“Yes,” I confirm.

“Hi, Harvey,” she says proudly. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” And then, with one final beat of her chisel, Etta disintegrates all the rock that I’ve held onto for too long. “The wait was definitely worth it.”

She leaves the hallway, back to the hotel room.

I stay standing in the same spot, outside of my body, experiencing everything for the first time. A pressure builds in my chest, and unlike every other time before, it’s lighter than air and precious beyond words.

It’s Gen’s soul coming to me and wrapping me in her arms. It’s her whispering her joy to me and urging me forward. It’s her generous spirit pulling grief from its place inside my head and flinging it out to sea.

I don’t need it.

Gen is here with me. She always will be.

But Etta is flesh and blood. She’s color and life.

She’s the rest of my life.

33

Etta

‘Golden Hour’ - Kacey Musgraves

“What is the purpose of this?” Ford asks, exasperated by the length of my veil. I laugh nervously as he tries to straighten it. Dom pushes him away when his big fingers pull at the material and messes with the pins holding it in place.

Time has had no meaning, no substance during the first half of the day. Resting a slight hangover after drinking whatever cocktail Ford handed me as we chatted late into the night—I went through the motions of showering and getting ready in a daze. I didn’t truly process what was going to happen later in the day until Martise came into the bathroom and asked if I wanted help with my hair—she even went as far as fixing my hack job haircut that I’d given myself the night before I was kidnapped. A night that seems eons ago.

“You’ve done enough,” Martise chastises, shoving Ford out of the room. “No more touching. That’s my job.” Ford pouts, but Dom grabs his hand and takes him to give us space.

“Are you sure you’re okay with doing this?” I ask Martise as I fiddle with the satin gloves on my hands.

“Yes, of course. I’m honored.”

I asked Martise if she could be the one to walk me down the aisle. As much as Ford or Dom escorting me would have made me happy, they don’t emanate the energy that I’m seeking this morning.

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