Page 70 of Golden Burn

Anger boils in my stomach. “Leave it, Ford. None of you give a shit about me.”

“Don’t say that. Tell me, please. I can help you.”

“I want toforgetabouteverything!” I screech. Ford flinches. Trembling, I get up and make myself a gin and tonic. Ford remains quiet, watching me. After gulping down three sips of the gin that stings more than it soothes, I gather back my control. “I deserve a night of reprieve. I deserve to have fun.”

Ford’s face falls, eyes swimming with sympathy. For me or for Odin, I don’t know. “Okay,” he says, running his hand through his hair. Striding over to me, he takes my face in his hands, gentle and protective. “If I let you do this, you have to be smart. No drinking and drugs, just dancing.” His brown eyes penetrate mine. “I’m going to drive you there and wait out the front. You’ll wear a tracking watch so I can keep an eye on your location and vital signs, but I won’t come in; I’ll give you privacy.”

My chin wobbles as I nod. “Okay. Thank you.”

His hands are warm on my face, reassuring. There’s no spark like I feel with Odin, but there is an essence of friendship. “I’m sorry about your clinic.”

My eyes water, but I try to forget what he said, try to focus on tonight. I’m doing this for myself. I’m doing this so I can feel something other than heartbreak.

“Get ready. And wear the silver dress. It makes you look like a goddess.”

A miniscule smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. Ford lets me go so that I can get ready. I put everything I have into my image and when I step out into the dining room, he nods, approving, and slips the tracking watch onto my wrist.

He offers his hand and I take it. I leave behind all my thoughts of Odin and Cerbera and fire and ash, as hard as it is, and strut out in the humid Roman air.

27

Odin

‘Desperado’- Rihanna

Ihaven’t seen Etta in almost twenty-four hours and my entire being seems to be at war with itself.

I convinced myself it’s for the best last night when I came home to an empty room. My brain was fine with the prospect of staying away from each other. Cerbera displayed behavior I could never have predicted, and I was adamant that keeping our distance, snuffing out our desire, would mean Cerbera could never use it against us.

But when I removed my suit for clothes that weren’t so suffocating, the smell of Etta’s perfume wafted into my nose, clinging to every piece of material I owned and making my stomach ache.

I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t.

Her pillow lay next to me all night, indented with her shape. The memory of her sleeping form haunted me like a specter every second of the night. But not as much as the sheerhurtthatcrossed her features when Cerbera told her—toldus—about her clinic burning to the ground. And the way she raged at me, her fury a powerful force as she threw her weight against me and battered my soul with her misery.

“It’s all your fault.”

It is. I know it is.

But there’s nothing to be done but move forward, adjust our goals, prepare for any and every outcome possible, and hope we all survive.

The night after Gen died, I thought about how I was going to kill Gregory Lombardo every day. It took me ten years to enact it.

Cerbera, however, won’t last a week.

As soon as the wedding is over, I’m going to sign the contract with his blood.

I’ve communicated this to Dom on several occasions throughout the day, as we got a few things in order. We called the local police about the clinic’s destruction to fact check and were devastated to learn that Cerbera had been telling the truth. I’m glad Etta wasn’t there to hear it, because Dom and I were both struck by the horror of it, the brutality, even after all we’ve seen.

It made me all the more enraged.

We then spent time with Ford doubling protection and extra security measures, including hiring the latest technology and extra manpower to make sure the wedding goes off without an issue.

When Ford leaves to take Harriet wedding dress shopping, I’m tempted to come along, offer my support.

“It’s all your fault.”

I quickly decide it’s not an option. The best chance of talking to Harriet is waiting until she’s calmed down. This afternoon I plan to speak to her and I hope she’ll let me stay because I’m going crazy thinking about her and the way we left things last night. If I’ve learnt anythingsince becoming a widow, it’s that you never go to bed angry, because you might not wake up in the morning to apologize.

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