Page 68 of Crave

It made me sick for three days.

Finding a soft spot in the grass, I sit down so I can watch her bedroom. She disappears briefly into the closet, and when she comes back she’s wearing a set of silver cami and shorts.

The glow in the soft light of her room before she slides under the covers and then the windows go dark.

She’ll be safe, I’ll stay out here and make sure of it.

CHAPTER 29

LARA

Pickingat my thumbnail doesn’t make my phone give me a notification from Alexei. Neither does the extra three slices of cheese and crackers I had for breakfast.

Why hasn’t he come by?

Did I do something to ruin us? All I want is him.

Still no word.

Maybe something happened?

An image of him sky jumping and his parachute not opening shows up in my head, and I can’t get it out.

I need to know if he’s okay. If he’s even alive.

“Nikolai? Good morning,” I stammer, pushing another cracker around on my plate.

“Lara. How are you?” He sounds winded. “What’s up?”

He’s hurrying me.

Why do I always feel inconvenient?

“I was wondering if you’ve seen Alexei recently? I have, um, his extra charger cord I borrowed.” That’s probably the lamest excuse I’ve ever come up with.

Nikolai pants in my ear, but I can hear jostling like he’s running. “He’s here. With me.”

“Oh.” Well, at least I know Alexei is alive. “What are you doing?”

“We’re chasing down one of Dad’s fuckers,” he grunts. “I gotta go, I’ll let Alexei know about the charger.”

I can hear several more muffled words slip out before he hangs up.

Well, now I feel like an idiot.

Alexei isn’t hurt, he’s just avoiding me.

It’s probably for the better. I’m barely able to hold myself together around him. And he’s opened up a whole new level of vulnerability.

He’s smarter than me sometimes. Maybe he sees something I can’t and knows we need some space.

It’s time to go to work anyways. I’ll worry about him later. Nights are the hardest.

All of my clothes are hideous. They don’t fit right.

No matter what I wear, how much effort I put in, I always hate the reflection that stares back at me. I’ll never be good enough.

I guess that means it doesn’t really matter how I look. Why am I trying so hard?

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