Page 61 of Crave

The fear of losing what we have takes hold.

How is someone as messed up as I am supposed to love or be loved?

I’m crazy, not stupid. I know she deserves better than me. The thought is a stab through my very soul.

As I help her off the bike, and her tiny hand slips into mine, sparks shoot up my arm making my heart hammer.

“Are you coming in?” she whispers.

She’s nervous, or sad.

I shake my head. She needs peace, not chaos. I can protect her. Including from myself.

“Can’t you see I need you? Now, of all times. Don’t pull away from me. You promised me you wouldn’t,” she sniffles.

I step forward, wrapping my arms around her and she buries her face into my chest.

Tears. They’re my fault.

“I can’t lose you, Alexei.”

I hug her tighter. The thought is my worst nightmare. “You never will, I promised eternity.”

What if I can never be the man to give her the type of love she craves? Am I even capable?

Her voice is laced with anger. “Then stop pulling away from me. What is it? Am I not good enough for you? Lara, always on the side lines, never the first choice. Always a fucking maybe.”

I pull back and grip her shoulders.

“Stop. That isn’t it. Don’t ever think that,” I say sternly.

Is this what I’ve done to her? I’m the reason she’s never had those second dates. And because of that, I’ve made her believe she’s inadequate. I am the one causing her pain.

All I wanted was her to be happy, yet, I was the one breaking her. Making her think she was a goddamn maybe of this world.

She isn’t.

She’s the reason I drag myself out of bed each morning. The reason I make sure I don’t actually get myself killed.

My first thought of the day and my last is always her. In fact, there probably isn’t a minute where she isn’t on my mind.

“There is no one on this planet as special nor as beautiful on the inside and out as you, Lara. Your standards should be up in the stars, not in the pits of hell with me.”

I swallow the lump in my throat.

“You promised me, Alexei. That kiss wouldn’t ruin what we had.”

“It won’t,” I reply quickly. I can’t let it.

“Doesn’t seem like it.” She looks down at the floor. I’m making her sad.

I want to kiss her again. I want to take her to bed and cuddle her. And show her in every single way just how much she means to me.

I want to worship every damn inch of her until she sees what I see.

But I can’t. Because if this is what happens after one kiss. A moment that I will replay on loop until the day I die, what happens if we do more?

I will lose the best thing in my life.

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