Page 14 of Crave

Swirling my cup, the ice cubes clink against the side before I swallow. “I have you.”

Her eyes narrow so tightly, I can barely see the blue. “Not the same, Alexei.”

When she crosses her arms and slumps against the backrest, I know she’s done.

She’s so confusing.

CHAPTER 7

LARA

Song- Nightmare, Halsey

My lungs burnwith one more mile left to run. Except I don’t know if I’ll be able to, the protein shake I had this morning probably isn’t enough to fuel me. But I can’t afford more calories after a bad week of eating. My jeans are already starting to feel too tight again.

Wiping the sweat from my forehead, I hold onto the bar, blinking as my vision starts to cloud. I hit the red stop button that puts me back into a gentle stroll as I heave for breath.

Fuck.

It rolls to a stop, and I try to regain my breath while downing some water. My shaking legs just about get me off the machine, but I can’t let go as the room starts to spin around me.

I know this feeling too well. I keep drinking the cold liquid, remaining still and focusing on deep breaths in and out. It’ll pass.

It will be worth it to lose the weight.

When I’m confident I can actually walk, I make my way out of my home gym and head straight to the shower.

Peeling off my sweaty workout gear, I toss it in the laundry. The hot mist starts to fill the room, but I can still see myself in the huge mirror on the wall. As I push my hair out of my face, I study my reflection.

I can see my hip bones again, hell, even my ribs through my skin.

Still hideous.

Tears prick in my eyes as I focus on the faint white stretch marks on my thighs. The more I look, the more I find wrong with myself.

Never good enough. Never pretty enough. Not even to be sold off as a wife.

I want to scream and punch the mirror so it shatters into a million pieces. There’s a piece of me that wants to do it to every single one so I never have to look at myself again.

All I can hear in my mind is the comments over the years.

“Are you sick? You’ve lost so much weight, Lara.”

“No man is going to want you looking like that.”

“You look like you need to eat.”

“You need to tone up if you want to keep a man.”

I slam my hands down on the vanity sink and let the tears flow and step under the steamy spray. This is my daily ritual.

Maybe I need to go back to Alexei’s cabin to adjust my brain again. It is the only thing that works. No social media, no people and only he knows where I am. I tell him when I am ready to come back and no questions are asked.

An hour later, I have a full face of make-up and blow dried hair. I don’t have plans other than visiting Mikhail at the casino to get some more admin work done for him. My brothers are smart and ruthless when it comes to the mafia business. However, the casinos and bars, they couldn’t give a shit about.That’s where I come in, keeping the records clean so they don’t land up in jail.

We don’t trust anyone outside enough to deal with it and it’s good, it keeps my brain busy.

I put on my gold Chanel heels to match my bag, perfect with my white slip dress. Thankfully I tanned yesterday, so my skin is glowing.

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