Page 154 of Crave

He sits in his regular place, and I slide my tray onto the table in front of him.

I can’t look at him. Guilt knocks my eyes to my gruel.

“They asked you, didn’t they?” he states flatly.

“Asked what?” Shoving another spoonful of the tasteless food into my mouth, I still can’t meet his gaze.

“To kill me.”

The nasty breakfast threatens to come back up as my stomach churns.

“How did you know?” I’m not going to hide it from him.

He laughs softly, then takes another bite. “You aren’t very good at hiding things. And you’re far from the first.” The white whiskers around his lips twitch as he chews. “But maybe you’ll be the last.”

His pale gray spoon circles in a broad gesture. “So out of all the people in here, they sent you here for me.” He chuckles before scooping another bite. “I suppose I should feel honored.”

“They promised me freedom if I did this.” Avoiding looking at him is easy when I make little trails through the slimy oatmeal.

“Your girl misses you?” He pushes his tray away and stares at me.

“I worry about her. She needs me.” My chest aches just thinking about her. “I love her,” I admit to him. I haven’t talked about her much, it hurts too much.

He nods. “My reasons for living are gone. My oldest daughter was killed, then my youngest was kidnapped by that Volkov asshole.” His fist clenches. “I was almost relieved to hear she died later in a fire. Better than living under his thumb.” He leans back and sighs. “I’m too old for this fight. I think it’s time.”

”Why not Ben or Sven? They’re closer to you than I am.” I’m not hungry anymore.

”They are good men. Keep them close. They’re too loyal to me to ask that of them.” He sniffs and turns away, but not before I catch the sheen of tears in his dark eyes.

I don’t know what to say. “Okay. Are you going to tell them?”

He sighs and drops his chin. “Yes, I’ll make sure they know. When we’re done in the yard and heading back, pick up a pebble about this big.” He holds up his arthritic hand with his fingers just a fraction of an inch apart. “You’ll lodge that in the locking mechanism of your door before it closes. The dead time just after lights out is the best time.”

I let out a long exhale. “You’ve thought this through.”

”When you’re as old as I am, every possibility goes through your mind. I’ve never been the type to hang myself in my cell as so many others have. But I’m, well, tired.” He pushes his tray away and leans his jaw into his hand. “Exhausted is a better word.”

We both stand and start walking towards the area to stack the empty trays. “At least I know that I’ll be setting someone free when I go. Love is a good reason to die.” With a last touch of my shoulder, he shuffles to the exit to the outside.

How do I make it as painless as possible?

I’ve never had to do that before.

Wandering around the inside perimeter of the high fence, I kick rocks and mull over every option I can think of.

By the time I make it back to where the Butcher is waiting, Ben and Sven have solemn expressions.

He must have told them.

Ben nods, although his lips are thin.

At least they won’t try to kill me in revenge.

The walk back to my cell is the longest it’s ever been. Slipping the stone in place feels final.

I have to do this.

But I don’t want to.

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