Page 86 of Stuck in Paradise with You

I realize I’m holding his hand and I’m painfully close to him when he reaches out to me with his other hand and tucks a loose tendril of hair behind my ear. I can’t hold his gaze, looking away. It’s all too much. He’s too much.

Thankfully, he steps back, and we both move to lean back against the walls, which I notice aren’t moving anymore. In fact, the roar outside seems to be slightly less now than minutes ago.

We’re facing each other as he tells me, ‘My parents separated when I was ten. Old enough to remember and miss my dad, despite the fact he was a dick to my mom. Old enough to understand he’d had an affair and had another family.’

‘I didn’t know he had another family.’

‘It’s not something I like to go over. Life without him was tough, awful sometimes. I felt like I was supposed to be the man around the house for my mom and my brother. I was an angry kid, pissed off at the world, even my mom for not— It sounds crazy now that I’m a man, but for not being good enough to hold on to my dad for me.’ He shakes his head. ‘I couldn’t. Iwouldn’thave inflicted that on my own son.’

Finally, I think I’m starting to understand.

‘I chose to do right by the baby I thought I was having. I didn’t choose Anya over you, Carrie. We were finished. I didn’t love her and I truly don’t think I’d known how amazing a relationship could be with a woman until you. I’ve not found it since, either.’

The enormity of his words renders me speechless. He’s nailed exactly how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been missingwithout realizing it for so many years. This is what Callum means when he says there’s got to be more to life for me.

‘This is the most open you’ve ever been with me, Luke.’ I sigh. ‘Maybe the most we’ve ever talked about how we really feel.’ I want to offer him something back, but what I won’t allow myself to say is that last night reminded me, too, of everything I feel, or used to, maybe still do feel, for him. Because it’s easy to say things, right? It’s easy to spin a line but nothing has really changed, has it?

So, instead, I tell him, ‘I didn’t know all of that about your parents. But I guess it’s hard for me to understand that you could feel the way you say you felt for me and walk away. My parents separated when I was a teenager. You know that. But they should have done it a long time before they did. I lived for a long time with arguing and fighting and eventually cheating because my parents stayed together for me.’

His eyes narrow in concentration.

‘I suppose what I’m saying is, I don’t know if I can believe that there was nothing between you and Anya. That you didn’t have options. Something other than leaving me sitting on a hotel bed, watching you walk away to your family. Or at least what you thought was your family. I— I don’t know what I’m saying, Luke. This is all a lot.’

‘I know.’ His voice is as fragile as I’ve heard it. Maybe he thinks I’m saying no to he and I having anything more. Maybe I am. I’m not sure.

‘Has anything changed between us, Luke? Even if there are feelings between us, is that enough? I don’t even knowwhatI’m feeling and how I’m feeling it. Like, if it’s real now or if it’s some kind of nostalgia or reflection of something we used to share.’

‘Carrie—’

‘Please let metryto articulate something that makes sense.’

He nods.

‘I think that maybe we’re only just talking now because things between us have always been about sex. That would explain a lot, wouldn’t it? You could walk away from sex. And yes, it was intense and great, but is it enough?’

‘Carrie—’

I hold up a hand –I’m not finished. ‘In any event, Hettich is my client and regardless of whatever games Joe has played here, my firm still sees Hettich as my client. This still reflects on me and my ethics and it isn’t a good look. I’ve worked so hard, Luke.’

Luke sighs, long and slow, his shoulders rising and falling. ‘I can’t tell you how much weight to place on your career, Carrie. I know how much it means to you and I don’t think this has to kibosh it, I really don’t. But that’s your call. It’s a balance for you to make.’

I see the hurt in his eyes – I’m putting my career before him, he thinks. But there isn’t anus, not now. Andheput something, someonebefore me once before, when therewassomething real and tangible between us.

‘I will say this,’ he tells me. ‘I don’t believe two people can have the connection we had last night, that we’ve always had when we make love, and not feel something on a much deeper level.’ He raises his arms from his sides. ‘Maybe we did focus on the sex and not communicate enough. I also think that every relationship where the guy and the girl are freaking head over heels for each other is bound to have a lot of sex. And ours was great.Isgreat. Not just the physical, but…’

I feel my lips rise in agreement. I can’t deny it.

‘We just didn’t have long enough together to get to know everything,’ he says. ‘I get that it’s on me. I didn’t, or I didn’t want to, accept it before this week, because it was easier for me to put all that pain into a box with your name on it and blame you. I’m so sorry I screwed up, Carrie, and I’ll be forever sorry that I hurt you.’

‘Me too, Luke. I felt justified in blocking you out of my life and I’m still not sure I completely understand why you left, but I don’t believe it was because you were selfish or not thinking about me in it all. So I apologize for misinterpreting everything and not being grown-up enough to speak to you rather than cutting you out.’

Even in the low light of the space, I can see Luke’s eyes are glazed, as if we’ve said things he’s been waiting to hear for a long time. A feeling I can understand.

When he speaks again, his first words come with a croak. ‘Maybe I don’t know everything about your childhood and you don’t know everything about mine, but I do knowyou, Carrie. I know what you value, what you’re about. I know that if you’ll let me in and tell me I have permission to get to know every single thing about you, I will. I want to. And I can handle not making love to you until I know it all.’

I feel my brows rise.He could?I guess my lust when I’m around him is stronger, or my willpower significantly weaker.

‘It would be painful abstinence. Extremely.’ He chuckles and I reciprocate. A welcome relief from the intensity between us. ‘But I’d do it. Or at least try really hard.’ He rubs the corner of his eye and I wonder if, like mine, his vision is blurred by emotion. ‘I’ve been damaged too, Carrie. You’ve ruined me for all other women. No one else has had or will have a look in since you. So just consider giving us a chance.Please.’

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