Page 85 of Stuck in Paradise with You

His eyes widen when the proverbial light switch comes on. ‘I swear to you, Carrie, I wasn’t still sleeping with her when you and I got together. We had one last senseless night together. Not even a night. A short—’ He shakes his head, eyes closed. ‘It told me definitively that we were done but it was always a goodbye or for old times’ sake, or—Jesus, I never considered what you must have been thinking about that. I just assumed you’d know. I guess I’ve been blind to a few things before this week. Maybe it was easier to blame you because deep down, I know I fucked up something that could have been amazing between us.’

My mouth is dry. We could have been. But we weren’t. I feel… deflated.

Though at least he’s answered one of the questions that has eaten me up inside for so long. ‘The other guy?’ I manage coarsely.

‘She’d been having an affair. I mean, that wasn’t the thing that stung, truthfully. You know that Anya and I were done a long time before we officially ended. The thing that killed me was that she’d let me fall in love with the baby, or at least the idea of him.’

I thought that hearing this would hurt me, but seeing Luke reliving this, seeing his pain, cuts me deeper than his words. ‘I’m sorry,’ I tell him sincerely.

He smiles a somber smile. ‘Don’t be. It’s how karma works, right?’

I return his sad turn of the lips. ‘Maybe.’

He picks up an old piece of string from the ground and starts twisting it between his fingers. ‘So, I got her message when I was on my way to you that day and it threw me, blew my mind, but I was still coming, or would have, I’m sure of that. Except, as I was standing in the corridor, wondering what the hell kind of message I’d just received from my ex, Christopher Oakes – the old managing partner of our firm – collared me and asked me to go with him to his office. When I got inside, two other equity partners, Bernie Walton and Bill Lin, were in there, and the HR director too.’ He scoffs. ‘I knew the second I saw them. They were all wearing the same expression, like a “We gotcha”. That was how I knew they’d found out about you and me.’

My breathing quickens, as if I’m back there, in the thick of the discovery, the immediate aftermath and realization that I was facing it alone, that my career was tanked, that Luke had gone back to his ex-wife and their child. Except, what I thought were truths are seeminglynot, and while Luke is still talking, I can’t process anything more than the facts he’s giving me.

‘So that’s how it happened?’ is all I manage.

Luke nods. ‘They sat me down in that office, grilling me, making me feel like some kind of predator, like the disgrace of the partnership, for more than an hour. It was as if they were enjoying it.’

If it’s possible, my mood dips even lower. I hate imagining that they made him feel that way. That they made him feel as if what we shared was wrong, sordid.

‘Luke, it was never controlling and it wasneverone-sided, you know that, right?’

The way he looks at me tells me he doesn’t know that at all. Seeing things through his eyes, the fact hethinksI ghosted him – I suppose I did – I can understand how I played into that view.

He doesn’t answer and it tears through my heart that he maybe regrets us, what happened. Pain fills the space between us and for a while, neither one of us speaks.

‘Someone saw us leaving my apartment that morning,’ he says eventually. ‘Reported it to the partners and in justifying it, I ended up spilling that we were in a relationship, which only made things worse in their eyes, not better.’

I shake my head, furious. ‘I hate that. I hate that they would assume I couldn’t make a decision about a relationship on my own, that you must have coerced me. I hate that they made you think that.’

‘It’s the way the old school works, Carrie.’ He shrugs. ‘They said they wanted me to stay but that I wouldn’t make partner and they were going to move you to a different team to separate us.’

‘They would have managed me out,’ I say as the realization hits me.

Luke nods. ‘I thought so too. And I knew how hard you worked and how much your career meant to you. You were still so junior and I had experience under my belt. So, I told them I’d resign, provided they kept you in the position you were in.’

‘You did?’

‘Yes, Carrie. I did and I’d do it again. I’m not sure when you’re going to figure it out but you were bigger than a job to me; you meant more. I was in love with you.’

There’s an enormous clatter outside that’s so loud, it makes me duck on reflex. Then it’s gone and I’ve no idea what hit the building, but I can’t wait for the wind to start subsiding. I wish I could tell whether it’s the storm that’s making my ears and my head ring with pain, or if it’s my mind trying to deal with everything Luke is hurtling at me.

Hewasin love with me?

After all this time… With all the murky water beneath the bridge between us.

‘You surely knew that?’ he asks. ‘How could younothave known that?’

‘Because you left me in a hotel room with the only explanation being by message that you were going back to your wife and child!’ For some reason, I’m shouting. My confusion emanating as anger or frustration, or both. ‘I never knew you gave up partnership for me. All I knew was that you wanted to be back with your ex, as a family. It shattered me into a million goddamn pieces.’

As I vent my anger, I feel pressure in my eyes, I see my vision clouding. I don’twantto cry, again. I don’twantto. ‘Why? Why her and not me if you’re telling me now that you were in love with me?’

‘Because I thought I was doing the right thing,’ he snaps back. His own frustration silencing mine, unclouding my vision. ‘I had no fucking clue what to do for the best. I didn’t want to leave you, of course I didn’t. But I had a wife in Chicago who was telling me she was having my child and I—’ He stands. ‘Goddammit, I didn’t know what thehellto do.’ He thrusts a fist into the countertop that’s leaning against the doors andimmediately yells, ‘Jesus! Christ.Fuck.’ He’s flapping his hand, his face twisted with agony.

I stand, Jessie rising with me, and go to him. ‘Let me see,’ I say, calmer now. ‘Wiggle your fingers.’ He does. ‘I don’t think it’s broken.’

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