Page 43 of Reluctantly You

“You’re cool with this. Gay is cool. Being gay is fine,” I tell myself as I stand in the parking lot, the wind whipping at my clothes. I can pretend. I can fucking lie my way through this.

My hands are shoved in the pockets of my nicely pressed pants, and I can feel them trembling.

Don’t fucking blow this, Mitch.

I glance down and see my dark blue button-up shirt I ironed before heading down here and fuck, it’s buttoned up wrong. I pull my hands out of my pockets and quickly fix it, swearing under my breath the entire time. Can’t even get this shit right. Good hell, this evening is going to suck. I’m going to fuck it up, like I always do.

I run a hand across my neatly trimmed beard and sigh.

No, think positive. It won’t suck. It will probably just blow. I may blow it.

For some weird reason, Gideon pops into my head. I picture him standing next to me, glaring at me with those annoying fucking eyes that keep haunting my dreams. I don’t know why, but the image of him gets me moving.

My feet hit the pavement as I make my way toward the sand. I see Max and Matt huddled together, conversing intensely. I bet they’re talking about me. Not that I blame them. They’re probably trying to figure out how to diffuse this situation, or, even worse, trying to decide if they should cancel this entire dinner.

My eyes flit down to Max’s side, and I see a black and white dog seated next to him. Don’t know what breed it is, but its tongue is lolling out of its mouth as it watches the waves in the distance. Almost longingly.

“Hey,” I say after finally gathering the courage to speak. The two of them part quickly, turning to glance at me.

“Hey, bro,” Matt says as he comes up to slap at my back. I do the same, trying to corral my awkwardness.

Max steps up and slaps me on the shoulder, looking slightly reluctant, the dog sniffing my pants intently. It moves its wet nose up to my crotch, and I gently push it away. Don’t need wet dog boogers on my zipper when I meet their significant others.

“We were just going to go for a short walk before dinner,” Max says, laughing when the dog comes right back to sniff me.

“Cool,” I say, stepping away from the wet snout and shoving my hands back in my pockets. “So, whose dog is that?” I ask.

“Mine. That’s Doggo.” Just as Max says his name, the dog barks.

I reach down and pat its head, letting it sniff and lick my palm. Better that than my dick.

“Well, you look all dressed up,” Max says, and I nod.

“Yeah, wanted to make a good impression.”

He grins and then socks me in the arm. “Alright, want to head down this way? Doggo loves to jump in the waves. And I wouldn’t mind him burning off some energy so we can eat in peace.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

We walk side by side, Doggo tugging on the leash, a ball of energy now that we’re moving.

“So…” Matt says and Max nudges him in the arm. “Right. So, what’s new?” he asks after a pregnant pause.

“Nothing,” I lie. “Should be asking you what’s new. Since, you know…you’re both married.”

Their eyes flash to one another, guilt creeping along their faces.

“Mitch…” Max begins, but I wave it off.

“You don’t need to explain. I get it. Still pisses me off. You should have at least told me. But I get why you didn’t.”

I do, but it still hurts like fuck. When I think about it too hard, it hurts to breathe.

“We just didn’t want…well, we didn’t want you to ruin it,” Matt admits honestly and I cringe, my fists balling up. My teeth are grinding so hard my jaw aches, but I refuse to say anything to fuck tonight up.

I have a bad habit of opening my fat mouth and letting shit spew out. And I don’t want that to happen. Not now. Not when they’re giving me another chance.

“We’re sorry we didn’t tell you. We didn’t mean to hurt you,” Max says softly, and I give them both a clipped nod, keeping my eyes focused on the ocean, not wanting them to see how badly those admissions sting.

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