Page 90 of Breathing Without You

“Go to the party, seriously, I don’t need a fucking babysitter. I don’t want to be around her either, not after what we went through.” Then he turns around like he wasn’t just saying that to me pretending like he was saying it to Carsten.

“No. I said no, I don’t need you here, I want to be alone.”

“Fine you can come over when Winter is at Emerald’s but you’re going to the party and I’m staying alone. I will kick your ass out, you know that.” He glances over his shoulder in my direction. I can’t keep the tears away any longer. I can’t believe he just looked me right in the eyes and said that. Either he’s still hurt, or he just truly didn’t love me. “Okay, I’ll see you later then just text me when you're on your way.”

“No, I won’t be passed out, I’ve been pacing myself, don’t worry.” His voice is angry and loud.

“Okay then text me or have her whatever’s easier.” His tone is annoyed. I’m sure the look on his face matches the sound of his voice too.

“Alright. Okay. Bye man.” Then he hangs up and keeps his back towards me while he sips from whatever glass bottle is in his hands, looks like it could be Fireball. Gross.

Glad we’re on the same page of our breakup. Just kidding, if he wasn’t a dick head, we wouldn’t fucking be here we could be in his room, in my room. Fucking on the fucking roof for all I care, we’d be together that’s all I want, at least I think that’s what I wanted. But now I’m so heartbroken I’m not even sure what I want anymore.

An hour and a half later, Winter and Chastity come barging in my house. I forget that Winter has a key. At least she didn’t have to break down my door.

“Knock, knock bitch,” she shouts from the kitchen.

“Hey.” I stumble out of my room a little, holding onto the wall so they don’t realize how drunk I am. I didn’t mean to drink this much before going out. But I can eat something and sober up a little.

“Dude, you’re already drunk?” Chastity crosses her arms. She looks disappointed in me. Which I don’t care she’s in a happy relationship with her douche fuck boyfriend that everyone hates now, but she’s not going through a heartache like I am. I don't even respond, I just stand there and lick my lips, holding the almost empty bottle of wine I opened after drinking that half bottle earlier.

“Babe, have you eaten yet?” Winter looks really concerned. Not sure why she knows what this feels like.

“No, I’m not hungry.” Is all I say as I lean against the wall holding myself up. My arms are too tired to hold myself up.

I chug down the rest of the bottle before they can take it from me and head inside. They can’t say shit. I showered, washed my hair, shaved, and made myself feel good and clean. Even thoughI was buzzed. I still did it. Then I got out and actually styled my hair. I curled it in big loose curls, leaving it down. So that way it was ready for tonight. I put some makeup under my eyes, so I didn’t look like I was dead. And I did a smokey eye with thick cat eyeliner, and mascara. My usual look. Then I put on some black fishnets with black high waisted shorts that show the bottom of my ass cheeks, and a hot pink crop top T-shirt, the fishnets covering the part of my stomach that shows, and my hot pink converse. I’m going to find a new outfit to wear to the party tonight, this is just to go shopping and grab food. I may be drunk, but I at least did a good job getting myself put together. They may be disappointed in me for being like this, but they should be proud that I put myself together even though I didn’t even want to leave the damn house.

“Let’s go eat first, you need to sober up, babe.” Winter tries to say in her polite voice, but I can still hear the sadness in her tone. Plus, her face gives it all away that she’s sad to see me like this but disappointed in how I’m behaving. I just can’t help it, I'm completely heartbroken.

“I’m down, you guys want to eat at Lisa’s since it’s on the way?” Chastity speaks up, I’m sure to change the subject and clear the air of this awkward, uncomfortable energy. I’m hoping that Creedence won’t be there if we do go.

“I’m fine with that, let me go grab my things real quick.” I go into my room and grab my purse, and a bottle of cherry vodka I found sitting on my nightstand, might as well drink up now if they’re going to try and sober me up and make me feel things again.

“Emerald!” Chastity practically shouts in my ear, “c’mon I think you need to chill for a minute.” She takes the bottle from me, and I roll my eyes giving her a dirty look.

“It was just the rest of it anyway. I didn’t want it to go to waste, besides I can drink if I want, I’m an adult.” I give apolite yet bitchy smile before walking towards my front door and grabbing my house key.

“Still, you don’t need to be drunk when it’s only one in the afternoon.” Winter starts getting loud.

“We’re just worried about you, that’s all.” Her tone is a little angrier. It makes me feel bad that I’m hurting her. Her father was an abusive alcoholic so I’m sure this triggers things for her. But I’m going to be a little selfish right now because this isn’t about her. It’s about my life, my happiness. And right now, I’m fucking dead inside. Creedence killed whatever was alive inside me, he took my heart with him, crushing it with each word he spoke. Slowly dragging a knife through it as he continued to kill me. So, I think it’s okay that I’m being selfish and only caring about myself at this moment.

“I know and I’m fine.” I try to say clearly but the slur my voice decided to add to it isn’t allowing me to as I realize maybe I shouldn’t have chugged that cherry vodka down as the nausea starts stirring in my stomach. I shake off the feeling. I refuse to puke; I just need some food.

Or maybe a lot of food. I’ve lost some weight so I could eat and not worry about gaining for once. I turn the handle and open the door, motioning for them to go first so that way I can lock the door behind me.

And of course, guess who is outside sitting on his truck bed playing his guitar? And he just so happens to have his back against the side of the truck to where he’s facing my driveway.

“Hey Winter, where’s Carsten?” He’s swaying a little and she looks over at me before looking at him. “Christ,” she mumbles to herself, but I hear it, I don’t know if they did but I know I did.

“He’ll be coming over later, we’re about to head to eat and go to the mall for some clothes for tonight,” she tells him, not sure why she gave him all the details.

“Okay, I wasn’t sure if he came with you now or not, I haven’t heard from him since this morning,” he tells her as he looks over at me and I look away. He looks sad, his eyes are bloodshot and a little puffy, either from crying or lack of sleep, but I’m gonna go with lack of sleep and drinking. I doubt he’s been crying over me.

“I’ll tell him to head here a little earlier for you.” She gives him a quick smile; you can tell she feels awkward talking to him in front of me.

“Alright, thanks, you ladies have fun. Oh, and since I won’t see you, please be careful at that party later. I’ve heard some shady shit goes down at those parties,” he slurs a little before he turns, walking towards his house. Not even waiting for an answer.

“Fuck, dude, why does he do that to my heart.” I refuse to fucking cry. I put this makeup on because I didn’t want to cry anymore. I wanted to feel beautiful for the day instead of a lazy mess so I’m putting my foot down. I refuse to fucking cry. “The fact that he just talked to you like I didn’t even exist fucking sucks.” I sniffle. Fucking shit.

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