Page 75 of Breathing Without You

“Yep, still fucking gross, but I think that’s the only vodka I’ll ever truly love that won’t fully gross me out like plain vodka does.”

“Exactly, cherry vodka all the way.” I take another sip, sliding the bottle back to her. “Let’s go sit outside. I need some air.” I don’t even know if she could understand what I just said but she follows me as I head towards the front door.

“Cool, let's take these bottles with us. I’ve got some catching up to do.” She grabs both bottles and the electric wine bottle opener off the counter.

“It’s such a nice night out, but I’m fucking cold.” I shiver a little as I take another sip, feeling my buzz intensify.

“Shit,” Winter whisper-shouts as steps off the front stairs a little.

“You okay? Or did you stumble?” I giggle thinking about her stumbling since we’re both clumsy, plus I didn’t see what had happened since I was in front of her.

“No, Creedence is out in his driveway on his truck bed. Looks like he’s drinking and playing his guitar.” She tells me and it feels like I just took a knife to the chest. My fucking heart breaking at the thought of not being with him anymore. I miss listening to him sing and play his guitar so much and he just played for me yesterday while I laid in his bed, he sat next to me, his back against his headboard and just played. His voice was so sexy as he sang, I was looking forward to that memory that I got to make with him as time went on. Time that I fucking ruined.

“I should be over there with him right now, next to him,” I choke out. “But I’m a fucking idiot and fucked everything up,” I sob, hoping he can’t hear me as Winter rushes back up the stairs.

“Oh babe, you did nothing wrong except care for him and try to do something nice. Please don’t blame yourself for this.” She tells me as she comes up the stairs and sits next to me. I’m thankful for the big bushes that block my front stairs because if they weren’t there, I’d be able to see him perfectly and I don’t think I could handle that right now, especially with how much I’ve had to drink so far.

“I feel like I did everything wrong, we just had such a perfect night, and I had to go and ruin it. I want to be with him so bad right now and I fucked that up.” I’m crying, wiping my tears with my left hand shaking my head. “Fuck, I need to drink more where’s my wine?” I sniffle, turning to Winter, wiping my tears again and taking another sip of my wine.

“Right here, babe. I just opened it for you.” She hands me the bottle and I take a big sip of it before pulling it away from my mouth.

“Fuck this sucks.” I let out a breath that I felt like I was holding in forever, but no matter how many deep breaths I take I still can’t get this ache in my chest to ease up, or my anxiety to calm down at all.

The next morning, I wake up hung over as fuck, my head pounding, the room is spinning and I feel nauseous as hell, my mouth is so dry I feel like I just ate a bunch of sand. I can barely move my tongue as it sticks to the roof of my mouth. Gross. Drinking all that vodka and wine was the worst idea I ever had. But it did what it was supposed to do. It numbed my lips; my whole body was numb including my pain. At least until I woke up. I stretch my body and feel a leg next to mine and my stomach drops. Was all that just a dream? There’s no way I had a dream that Creedence broke up with me. A rush of excitement washes over me as I slowly turn until I hear a snoring Winter next to me and my stomach drops again, my heart sinks and the tears start coming. I slowly sit up. I need something to drink and something for my head now. The room spins as I sit at the edge of my bed, breathing heavily trying to hold back the vomit that’s trying to creep up my throat. I take a slow deep breath before I jump up and rush to the bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet I start puking, everything that comes up still burning mythroat. Another terrible reminder of yesterday with Creed when everything was perfect. It already feels like it’s been days without him, and it hasn’t even been a full day yet. Fuck, this is the worst nightmare, and I pray I wake up from it soon.

27

CREEDENCE

I wakeup the next day, feeling like shit. I got drunk for the first time in a while last night. My chest fucking hurts, my heart feels fucking heavy, and I feel empty. Is this what fucking heartache from a breakup feels like? I know I was the one who broke up with her but that doesn’t mean I’m not still hurting. I’ve loved women before and when we broke up it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as it does now. She was everything to me, my home, my world and everything came crashing down in one fucking day. Did I make the wrong choice? I have no idea but at the time I was making the right choice. I can’t believe she went behind my back buying me a helmet to try and get me to ride again. I lay there in bed trying to fight the flashbacks of that day with my brother and it’s so hard to do as I wipe the tears. Everything feels so fresh again, between the heartache of losing my brother, best friend. And the heartache of losing my girlfriend, the love of my life. I feel like I’m fighting a battle that has no other outcome, the flashbacks just keep getting more vivid as I lay here no matter how many times I try to shake my head to clear myself out of it.

“Sir, Sir.” I keep hearing people talking but I have no idea what anyone is saying to me as I sit here and hold my baby brother’s dead body in my arms, his blood all over me but I don’t care. All I care about right now is my brother and how it should have been me.

“Sir please, we need you to step away from the body. Sir please. We need to look at him.” Still, all I hear is their talking but I’m not hearing anything they’re saying.

“Xander, please wake up man, please god dammit man please don’t do this to me.” I cry holding him to my chest. “Please tell me this is just another one of your stupid pranks.” I shake him, freaking the fuck out I’m trying to be gentle but fuck what is going on. My baby brother lays lifeless in my arms, he no longer has a fucking pulse. This is my fault; it should’ve been me. I lay him down placing his head in my lap. There’s blood all over my hands from his head. And I look down and feel sick again, I start dry heaving as I’m trying not to puke.

“Fuck man, please don’t leave me, wake up man.” I tell him as I place my hands on his chest and try to do CPR.

“Sir, please I’m sorry, sir but we need to check the body, can you tell us what happened, sir.” But I can't. I don't know what happened. I didn't see the full thing; I just saw the ending and then I saw my brother lying there in a puddle of blood as I tried to rush to him.

“Xander please, I’m sorry for telling you we needed to get home, we can pull over a little longer. I’m sorry for switching lanes before you. I should’ve let my baby brother go first. Please don’t do this to me. Tell me this is a joke. Let’s wait a little longer before we head home, please, you, you have to be fucking with me. Xander don’t do this.” I sit there sobbing and shaking, rocking my body back and forth as I smack his chest over and over. “Please wake up.” I shake him a little. You can hear people around me crying. This is not something you see every day I’msure but that’s the only thing I hear is whispers and crying. Like I said, I hear the words, but I have no idea what is being said to me.

“Xander, please I promise I won’t make fun of you for being afraid to ride after it rains. I promise I’ll always let you go ahead of me from now on. I won’t be that asshole that goes ahead of you like we aren’t riding together, not that I always did it but you know what I mean. Please c’mon this isn’t funny anymore.” I slap his chest a little harder trying to get his lifeless body to wake up.

And suddenly I have two people grabbing my arms pulling me into a standing position, pulling me away from him while paramedics lay his limp body onto a stretcher. Blood. That’s all I feel all over my hands and wet clothes. Xander’s warm blood, the last thing from my brother that I’ll always remember is his warm blood and I fucking hate that memory, that paralyzing fucking nightmare.

“Sir we need to remove the body from the scene, we’re sorry. You also need to tell us what happened.” One of the two officers that are holding me says to me as they help me walk away. “I’m so sorry about your loss, sir.” He says again but I’m not listening. I'm too busy looking back at my brother’s dead body lying on a stretcher getting covered by a body bag.

I snap out of the memory, wiping away my tears quickly as I sit up in bed gasping for air almost like I just woke up from a nightmare, but jokes on me because my life is now a living nightmare. I fucked my life up in more ways than one, when it should’ve been me who died that day, but I ruined my baby brother’s life instead. Then I ruined Emerald’s life instead of giving her the chance to explain. But I can’t be with her if she’s going to keep pushing me when I’m not ready, because I’ve toldher I’m not ready. I don’t even think I’m done grieving, not that I’ll ever be done grieving the life my brother never got to have, but It’s still so fresh. Too damn fresh no matter how long it’s been.

I look at my phone and see that I have a text from Carsten. As I go to open my text messages, I realized I never closed out my last one from Emerald telling me she loved me, and it hits me like a ton of bricks straight to the heart. Fuck dude, I can’t believe I lost one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. But right now, it’s probably for the best. My head is not right, right now and it’s not fair to her, but she also shouldn’t have pushed and pushed and pushed after I told her over and over that I wasn’t ready. It felt like she was forcing me for her, not for me. Maybe I’m wrong.

Carsten

Hey man, Winter told me what happened. How you holdin up?

Creedence

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