Page 33 of Breathing Without You

“I appreciate that. I usually do try to tuck them aside when I’m around people so it’s nice to know I can really be myself around you and not feel embarrassed.” He lets out a sigh while staring down at his bike. “And also, yes it’s a Harley Davidson Chopper.” He winks at me like he knew I was just guessing but he was a little impressed by it.

“Creed, you have nothing to be embarrassed of and I’m sure your friends would understand too. You got yourself a great group of friends, I know damn well they’d never do or say anything to make you feel embarrassed or ashamed for having feelings. You can express and be yourself around them.” I pause for a minute thinking before talking again. “I hope this doesn’t come out wrong when I say this, but I get the feeling you haven'tgiven yourself the time to fully grieve. If you’re constantly tucking your feelings aside, which is totally okay, I’m not saying you can’t ever do that. But I’m just letting you know I’m here and feel free to get it out, let yourself be free of the guilt and what if’s and the it should have been me and start living your life how your brother would want you to live it for you and for him.” I tighten my hold on his arms that are still wrapped around me and snuggle my face into his as we stand there. He doesn’t say anything, but I can feel the sadness radiating from his body and I know he’s allowing himself to feel whatever he needs too in this moment.

He lets go of me and goes around to the front of the garage pressing the button to open the big door, I stand there watching it slowly lift up. He then goes over and grabs a key off a shelf and starts walking towards his bike. He places his left hand on the left handlebar and picks up his right leg, lifting it over the side of the bike to where he’s now standing and straddling his bike. Shit does he look fucking hot. He straightens it out and puts the key in the ignition, he hesitates for a second before his shaky hands slowly turn it, taking a deep breath he brings the bike to life, revving it. I jump a little not used to the loud sound and smile as he stands there with tears in his eyes and a slight smirk on his face. You can tell he’s still afraid to smile and be happy, but he is happy at the same time if that makes sense. He stands there straddling his bike, tears stream down his face as he revs it. You can tell it makes him feel guilty, but it almost looks like a weight was somewhat lifted off him. Like the more he’s near his bike a little more of the guilt is taken away. I hope to help him replace the guilt with good memories. I never knew his brother, but I’m sure he wouldn’t want him to spend the rest of his life living in grief and guilt. He will always grieve the loss of his brother, but he doesn’t need to feel guilty for being alive while doing it.

Ten minutes later he turns off the engine with an actual smile on his face, it’s a sad smile but he’s smiling. I stood here in silence allowing him to do what he needed, you could tell he was lost in memories, but I didn’t want to bother him, so I stood here in case he needed me. He lets out a breath that sounded like he was holding the whole time and brings his hands up to his face and wipes his tear-streaked cheeks off. He takes one hand and wipes at his nose a little before getting off his bike and placing his key back on the shelf. When he’s done, he walks over to me and slowly wraps his arms around me, holding me close to him while my head rests against his chest. I can hear his heart racing and feel it pulsing against my cheek. It feels like his heart might explode out of his chest so I squeeze him back tighter hoping to calm his racing heart. He pulls away slightly, looking down at me.

“Thank you.” His smile is a little happier this time as he talks.

“You don’t have to thank me, I’m just happy I could be here for you.” I lean in and slowly kiss his shirtless chest.

“I love you, Sugar.” He leans down and kisses me, swiping his tongue against my lips as I open to allow his tongue to meet mine. He sucks my bottom lip in, and I let out a slight moan without even meaning to, not even able to control the way my body reacts to him.

I pull away before I get too carried away and we end up fucking in the garage.

“I love you, Creedence, so much.” I hug him again. I can still hear his heart as my ear rests against his chest. It’s not racing as fast as it was but it’s still a little stronger than it normally is.

“Let’s head out back. I think I might need another drink.” He might laugh like he’s joking but I wouldn’t blame him for needing a drink after that moment he just experienced.

“Hey man what’s up?” Carsten says to Creed as he stands up and gives him a slight hug before doing their little handshakethat they’ve been doing forever. If I’m not mistaken, I think Creedence said they’ve been doing that handshake since they made it up in middle school together. I think it’s cute, but I won’t tell two men that their handshake is cute, I don’t want to ruin it for them. Although I don’t think they’d care, they’d probably laugh and agree with me while still doing it.

“Nothing much man, just came out here to drink and get some fresh air,” Creedence says with a slight chuckle.

“Ahh fresh air huh must have been “busy” in there all this time,” Carsten laughs, making air quotes around the word busy as he says it.

“Something like that, what did you say that one time with Winter, you were gonna be busy talking about your feelings and stuff.” He laughs at him shaking his head.

“Ohh yeah we were very busy that day, we had a lot of feelings to discuss.” Carsten takes a couple sips of his beer with a big cheesy grin on his face. I’m sure he’s grinning at the memories of him and my best friend fucking like crazy. Yeah, Winter and I tell each other everything including stuff about our sex lives. Except for everything Creedence and I just did. That will be my little secret. I would never tell Winter about the things I love him doing to me. That I have to keep to myself.

“Do I even want to know what this “talking about our feelings” and stuff is about?” I ask laughing, having an idea but curious as to what they’ll say.

“Yeah, Carst here brought Winter over to fuck and said they were gonna go talk about their feelings like we were fucking idiots and didn’t know what they were going to do.” He laughs while Carsten throws a stick from the bush at Creedence.

“Hey man, that was secret information.” Carsten shakes his head at Creedence. You can tell he’s not really mad about it but they just like fucking around with each other.

“Well, I’ll forget I even heard anything about your “talking about your feelings and stuff” conversation.” I snort a little while laughing, making the guys look at me and us start to laugh some more.

Creedence walks over and sits on one of the bar stools and pats his leg for me to sit on. I love that even though there’s a stool next to him he still wants me on his lap. It’s like no matter how close I am to him it’s not close enough and I love it.

“Thank you, Em, I appreciate that. I’m sure Winter would appreciate you not being a blabbermouth like Creedence over here too.” He laughs, obviously joking but pretending to be hurt by Creedence’s actions.

“Blabbermouth?” Creedence asks him as he grabs a beer from their mini fridge behind their bar.

“Are we five here bro? Who the fuck says blabbermouth these days, I felt like you were telling on me.”

“Whatever man, snitches get stitches, remember that bro.” Carsten laughs as he stands up and grabs a bottle of tequila from behind the counter and three shot glasses.

“Hahah whatever the fuck you say man, whatever the fuck you say. Fuckin weirdo.” Creedence is cracking up and I love this relationship they share.

“Let's do some shots guys.” Carsten comes back down to sit next to him again lining up the shot glasses pouring tequila in each of them. Making my face naturally turn up in disgust because I fucking hate tequila. But I’m still gonna do it anyway.

“So, I heard uhh that you uhh…” He pauses, treading carefully not sure what to say but wanting to say something. “I heard you started her up in there.” Creedence calls his motorcycle aher,so I think he knows what he’s doing saying her instead of actually saying what he’s talking about.

“Yeah man umm…” Creed stops, clearing his throat for a second before he continues. You can tell he’s having a hard timetalking about it, especially because we didn’t know anyone else was outside when he started it up. We actually thought we were home alone. “Emerald is kinda trying to help me with all of it and stuff.” He clears his throat before changing the subject.

“So, where's Winter?” And that’s all we needed to see he didn’t want to continue the conversation. Which is understandable, he’s finally starting to open up more about the whole situation, so I think we both understand not to pry, especially Carsten who has been around it longer than I have.

“She's finishing her shift up at Lisa’s Diner and then we're hanging out, not sure what we're doing yet though,” Carsten says looking away, you can tell he feels bad for bringing up the motorcycle.

---