Page 93 of Breathing Without You

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CREEDENCE

BEFORE THE PARTY

It's beentwo weeks since I've talked to Emerald. I feel like such an asshole I can't believe I spoke to her how I did. I never talk to women like that.

I've seen her in passing in the driveway and she's just quickly gotten into her car. She's only tried talking to me once, that was the night we broke up and after that she didn't try again. Not even when I tried talking to her the next day at the diner. I don't blame her, I treated her like shit. I've been miserable, my heart hurts. I've never felt this way about anyone before. This really must be like what it's like to lose the woman you love, I can't eat, can't sleep, I'm barely functioning. I’ve been staying home instead of working, I’ve been drinking almost every day, all day. But I just can't man up and face her. I wouldn't even know what to say or where to start.

I'm sitting at my table attempting to eat when Carsten comes walking through the garage door. I left it open for him after I talked to Winter, and he came over about two hours later.

“Hey, man.” He's quiet. I’m sure he’s not sure how to talk to me, especially after how I talked to him on the phone earlier. I was kind of a drunken dick.

“What’s up, brother.” I look over at him before taking a small bite of my sandwich I was eating so I don't have to talk.

“I like your helmet out there, when did you get it?” He smiles. Kind of excited. As he’s trying to start a conversation but I'm just not in the mood. I never went into details about why I broke it off with Emerald, so unless Winter told him because I know Emerald told her. Then he doesn’t know about the helmet. But I don’t respond, I just take another small bite of my sandwich pretending to be hungry.

“Okay, fine,” he sighs. “Where'd you get the engraving done? It's awesome, I’d like to get some engraving done on mine.” He looks back to the garage before he looks over at me. And that gets my attention. I look up at him a little quicker than normal and raise one eyebrow.

“What engraving?” I’m getting angry, and I’m really confused. I feel like he’s fucking with me right now or something.

“Bro, are you losing it? You get yourself a new helmet and forget you had something engraved on it?” He’s laughing a little, shaking his head. “Maybe you’ve been drinking too much.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I snap getting up. I'm not in the mood for games. I rush out of the house into the garage and pick up the helmet. I don't see anything on it until I turn it around and on the back of the helmet along the bottom, below the gray and white shaded skull saysIn loving memory of Xander, forever watching over you big brother.And I lose it. Tears start falling down my face and I hear the door open behind me, fuck I’m such an idiot. I slam the helmet down on the desk in my garage, hard, but not hard enough to cause any damage.

“FUCKKKK,” I shout.

I see Carsten standing there, arms crossed in the doorway one shoulder against the door frame.

“Emerald had this made for me, she said she got a matching one too. She’s been trying to get me into riding again. She's been wanting me to go for a ride for my brother she said she knows he'd love it and fuck man I'm afraid to but fuck I'm an asshole.” I let out the breath I was holding.

“She asked me if you and Xander had any nicknames for each other, and I didn't know why so I just told her. I didn't realize this is what she was doing,” he states before asking, “but why are you an asshole?”

“Because I didn't really pay attention to the helmet I just kind of went off on her because I felt like she was forcing me to ride again when I wasn’t ready. I felt like she was forcing me to be ready for her, not for myself. But really she wasn't, she was just trying to help me find happiness in it again and I'm an asshole. I broke up with her and everything over it,” I sigh. “I was caught off guard and wasn’t expecting this as the surprise that she had for me, so when I saw it, I reacted before thinking and I reacted like a fucking asshole. I was pissed, I felt like she wasn’t listening to me and just thinking about herself but really, she wasn’t thinking about herself she was thinking about me.”

“This is why you broke up with her dude?” He looks shocked and a little disappointed maybe.

“Man, I mean I love you like a brother, but I’m gonna be honest, you fucked up big time.” He shakes his head at me with a disappointed look on his face.

“You don’t have to tell me because I just realized I fucked up big time. Fuck dude.” I push my hands through my hair, pulling at it. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I cannot believe I was such an idiot. I’ve had this fucking helmet sitting here on this desk for two weeks that I’ve avoided it each time I’ve been out here and all I had todo was stop and actually pay attention to it. But instead, I was a dumbass and avoided it like it had a disease.

“What are you going to do now?” he asks me with a concerned look on his face.

“Fuck, dude. I have no idea, but I know I need to think fast and find a way to fix this mess.” I let out the breath I was just holding, suddenly feeling stressed as fuck.

“Well, I can help you think of something, I can come over tomorrow after work with the twins and we can come up with some kind of plan if that works for you?” He crosses his arms again and leans against the opposite side of the doorway.

“That sounds good, anything will help, I appreciate it,” I tell him because as of right now I have absolutely no idea as to how I could even begin to get her back.

Right as I’m about to say something the doorbell rings and I know it’s Winter coming to get the guys, that could be me going with them too but I fucked up big time and now I’ll be spending my night sobering up so I can come up with a way to get my girl back before it’s too late.

DURING THE PARTY

I sit on the couch at home feeling miserable. This seriously must be what it's like to miss someone and feel heartbroken. Because it feels like fucking shit. I feel like I need to go find her and apologize tonight, but I know she’ll be drunk and will probably not care or like I said before, try to kick my ass. Plus, I need to come up with a good way to get her back, not even just get her back but to find a way for her to forgive me for being such a piece of shit with how I spoke to her and then for pushing aside her gift like it didn’t mean anything to me, when now that I look at itand actually pay attention to all the details, means more than the world to me. Just like her.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and look down to see Axton’s name and decide to ignore it. I know everyone is at that party, including him so I’m not sure why he’s even calling and I'm not really wanting to talk to anyone. Not right now, I’m busy trying to think of ways to save my ass and win Emerald’s heart back. I look down after I ignore his call and see I have a bunch of texts from Carsten and Axton right as I'm about to open them Carsten starts calling and instead of ignoring them again, I decide to answer it.

“Listen man.” I’m angry answering the phone. “I already told you guys I didn't w...” And then he cuts me off rushing out his words that I almost don't hear what he said.

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