Jaz snorted. "Never pegged you for the jealous type, bro."
Neither had I. But I had to make a decision on what to tell my sister. First, I'd semi-come out to Mrs. Walden, and now Jazmine? Wouldn't that make my interest in CJ concrete? I must have stared mutely at her for a beat too long because she scoffed. "O.M.G. If you are even considering lying right now, you can save your breath. What I want to know is if anything has happened between you two yet."
My brow furrowed. "That's none of your business, Jaz."
She rolled her eyes and folded her arms over her chest. "I don't want details, you moron. But if something has happened, I want to know why you told Nate you'd try to set up another date with CJ."
I considered the question and how honest I wanted to be with her. Maybe it was my uncertainty attempting to get in the way. But honestly, that was exactly why I could use someone to talk to, other than Mrs. Walden, who probably didn't care who I settled down with as long as I just did. I slouched in my chair, blowing out a long breath. "Because I don't even know what CJ and I are doing."
Her light eyes narrowed. "You two haven't talked about it?"
Shaking my head, I huffed. "Nope."
"Why the fuck not?" she asked with a bewildered look.
I propped my elbows on the desk as I ran both hands through my hair and groaned in frustration. "Look, Jaz. I don't know what I'm doing, okay? I've never been with a guy until him. He's just…different from anyone—guy or girl—I've been with. And what if that's all it was to him? A hookup. He only wanted to casually date someone anyway."
She scoffed. "But you didn't listen and tried to find him the perfect guy anyway. What if…and don't cut me off…" She glared and then nodded in satisfaction when I didn't put up an argument. "What ifyouare that guy? What if youdidfind him the guy who made him want more than just casual? Would that be something you want too?"
Sighing, I shrugged. "Maybe? The idea of him going out with Nate again—or anyone else for that matter—makes me sick. And everything feels right with him. But let's say something did get more serious between us, then what? I go around screaming to anyone who will listen that I'm gay? I don't know if I can do that."
"When did you become such a drama llama?" She moved forward and plopped down in the chair Nate had been seated in. "It's no one's business unless you both decide to tell people. Except for me, because I'm your sister." She grinned, an amused twinkle in her eyes.
"You mean because you're nosy and will badger me with questions anyway." I chuckled, and it felt good to break a bit of the tension that had filled my office.
She gave me her trademark glare. "Yes. But back to my point. If he's into it and you're into it, I don't see the problem. People can wonder and have questions all they want. You don't have to fill out fucking questionnaire for every single person who sees you two together."
"This conversation is pointless." I sighed. "Like I said, what if CJ just wants to hook up?"
"What if he wants more?" she argued. "This conversation is not at all pointless. You've never been scared of anything, so why is taking a chance to find out if he feels the same way you do any different?"
My brow furrowed. "I'm not sure how I feel."
She cackled, a full belly laugh before she suddenly stopped. "Bull shit. I want you to think on that for a second and then repeat those words if you mean them."
I humored her, cocking my head, ready to repeat myself. "I'm not sure…" The smart-ass comment died on my lips, and the truth hit me hard, square in the chest. "I like him, okay? Ireallylike him. Satisfied?"
"That's better." Jaz grinned with approval. "How much do youreallylike him?"
I groaned and rubbed my tired eyes. "Enough for it to be driving me fucking insane."
"Enough to swallow your pride and just ask him how he feels? Or are you just going to sit on your ass and watch him go on another date?" She was taunting me, knowing exactly what to say to get under my skin.
I pointed at the door. "Don't you have work to do?"
She stood with a sigh. "Fine. But you better figure it out because a guy that fine isn't going to stay single forever."
I was fully aware of the truth in her statement. The conversation with Nate flooded back, stiffening my spine. My sister was right. I needed to figure out what my next move was because adding a photo of Nate and CJ to my successful couple's picture gallery made my stomach feel like a bottomless, bleak pit of regret.
Without another word, she left my office, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
My coffee still sat untouched on my desk, and I swiped up the cup and took a long drink. Cold and stale. I shuddered as I tossed it into the small wastebasket beside my desk, then grabbed my phone from the drawer. I checked the screen, hoping a text from CJ would be waiting even though I hadn't responded to his last message. Nada.
I ran a hand over my face, sweat beginning to bead on my forehead. I'd never been this nervous in my life. Hovering my thumb over the keyboard, I debated on what to type. Fuck it. I tapped on the screen.
Me:Can we talk?
I hesitated before I pressed send then deleted the text before starting again.