Page 65 of Mutant Mine

“Little bird — no. I apologize. That is not what I meant at all.”

But it’s too late. Both of us are stung. And neither of us can take it back.

For a moment, we just stare at each other, absorbing everything that we’ve said.

Suddenly, I want nothing more than to be away from him. I march towards the door — then stop, and lean my head against it with a soft curse.

I can’t leave. Beyond this door, there’s danger around every corner. Men whom society has banished for their crimes, who want to fuck, kill, and eat me, not necessarily in that order.

Fear and regret wash over me as I realize just how trapped I have been with Roth. It had begun to feel like it was my choice to be here, in these rooms, but I’m just… penned in. Like an animal. And he knows it.

I turn around, and look up at Roth hopelessly. I’m still completely at his mercy, even now.

“I will leave,” he says at last. “You can stay here, where you are safe.”

He walks towards me, all emotion squashed back down inside. Not a flicker of feeling shows on the harsh, striking angles of his face. I back away from the door to give him space. After he’s opened the door, he turns to give me onelong, burning look — and then he’s gone.

32

Roth

THE MENavoid me as I walk down the corridors, taking twists and turns at random. They must sense the turbulent emotions within me — although I do not know how, because I keep my pace perfectly steady.

Why did it have to be tonight?This is the final day of my allotted waiting time. If Rory had investigated our flight path tomorrow evening, the computer would have shown her a direct line from the Hades to Caster-391.

Just for a moment, I wish the time away. I wish fervently that the deadline had passed, we were a million miles away from anywhere the authorities might search for us, and I could tell Rory the truth about myself.

I cannot tell her now. Icannot. How could that be right: to endanger her with the truth, now, at the last hurdle? Would it not be selfish, putting her in harm’s way just because I want her to forgive me?

I gave my brothers a generous margin of time to make their appearance. It looks most likely that they are not coming for me. If so, I am glad that I made Rory no false promises of imminent rescue. It is now far more probable that we will have to brave an inhabited solar system first, as conspicuous as we are — in which case, the less she knows about me, the safer she will be.

I wanted to tell her everything. Yes, I was tempted, whenI saw her anger and her hurt. But then I had a vision of her, twisting in pain on an interrogation table… Needles in her arms, her veins full of torturous chemicals. If the authorities ever caught up to us, their physiological testing would reveal that she knewsomething— and they would not stop until they had squeezed the last drop of information out of her, like they would squeeze the sweat, blood, and bile from her body.

I cannot tell her.

Of course,nottelling her is selfish, too. I cannot seem to escape my own greed. By not telling her any classified information, I can avoid revealing those elements of myself that I know she will find repulsive.

The thought makes me plunge my fist into a nearby locker.

This corridor is full of crew bunk rooms. In the doorways to either side of me, men are sitting on the beds, talking, reading from tablets, playing cards and other games — all things purloined from the crew. They fall silent at the thunderous sound of crushing metal.

I stand still for a moment, my heart pounding in my ears, waiting for my breathing to slow.

“Yes, unleash the fucking beast!” crows a pale, thin man from inside the nearest room. His laugh is obnoxious. “What’s up, trouble in paradise?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know.” He raises his eyebrows suggestively. “The kid. The guard. The one you hauled back to your cave.”

I must look blank, because the man — who clearly has no survival instincts — grins.

“Figured if you were getting laid, you wouldn’t be this wound up.”

I grab the man by his throat, and throw him to the ground. It is automatic. I need to knock him down, to prove to these watching men that no one can speak to me that way. Never,never letting them forget.

But I want to hit himagain. Not just as my duty, but for satisfaction. To be, only for a moment, the violent creature that he thinks I am.

Did one of these beds belong to Rory? Did she sleep here? Are they reading her books, or amusing themselves with her trinkets? Did she have any personal possessions to bring with her at all?

---