Page 73 of Attraction & Repulsion

“Because he wants children, and I can’t give that to him. How can I not give him everything he wants?”

“But what did he say?” Raegan urged.

When Carson pulled away again, she saw the spot where her tears had soaked Raegan’s pink scrubs. “He said that he was fine with not having kids of his own or being a dad. But Raegan, you should have seen the way he was with his niece and nephews. You should have seen the way he looked at me when I would hold the baby or play with the boys. Hewantskids. And I won’t let him give that up for me.”

Raegan’s brows bent, and her lips fluttered. She was probably thinking it over, trying to understand. That was when Carson explained she was trying to give Jax time away from her so he could make that big of a decision, on his own.

“If that’s what you think was the right thing to do, then I support you,” Raegan finally said.

Now, Carson felt a wave of gratitude for what Jax had been for her, and answered Raegan’s question, “Yes, he knew. He found out and helped me start my recovery.”

“And you’ve been okay since the breakup?” Raegan asked.

“Surprisingly, yes. My therapist has given me a lot of healthy alternatives to hurting myself.” She tried to smile but failed.

“Oh, Carson.” Raegan flung her arms around her and squeezed.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Carson said. “I was embarrassed and mortified—”

Raegan pulled back, shushing her. “Don’t be sorry. All that matters is that you’re doing better and getting the help you need.”

“Really? You’re not mad?”

Raegan frowned, offended. “Of course not. I’m just happy that you trusted us enough to tell us now.”

Something shifted inside Carson, like a dense fog clearing from a dark road. Clouds dispersed to reveal the sun in the form of her friends—no, her family. They were her family. Always had been. And for the first time, she recognized it.

“Yeah, Carson,” Hunter said, puffing his chest like a protective older brother. “I bet it took a lot of courage to tell us. We’re going to help you get through it. Whatever it takes.”

Chapter twenty-six

People are going to notice.

The lady in the aisle over there, she definitely noticed. Is that old man staring? The Kohl’s employee was totally staring as she restocked the rack.

Carson tugged on her sleeves, trying to pull them down further. Which was useless because they stopped just below her elbow. Short enough to show five scars—she’d counted them over and over until she was blue in the face. They felt like beacons for everyone in the store. She might as well have taken her shirt off, stood on the checkout counter, and yelled, “Hey everyone! Look at me and what I’ve done to my body.”

Standing in the middle of the baby section of Kohl’s, one of the few department stores in the area, Raegan grabbed Carson’s hand and pulled it from her sleeve. “Nobody is looking,” she said. “I promise you. And even if they did look, who cares? It’s part of your life.”

It was Carson’s first public appearance wearing something other than sleeves that reached her wrists. Now that she had told her friends about her self-harm, Dave had challenged Carson to be comfortable in her own body. Which didn’t make a lot of sense, since her body was what had started this whole self-harming thing in the first place. However, she made a promise to herself to take those small tedious steps to recovery.

Today’s step was exposing her mangled skin to the public, but not in a tank top or short-sleeve shirt. Not yet. Thankfully, summer was far enough away for Carson to build up the courage to wear that kind of apparel . . . maybe. Today, she was taking Dave’s challenge with three-quarter sleeves.

Small steps.

Carson took in three deep breaths, then started chewing her wad of gum, even though all the flavor was gone. “You’re right. It’s just so awkward and humiliating all at the same time.”

“I can only imagine,” Raegan sympathized, before picking up a maroon baby dress full of ruffles and sequins. “But I have never been more proud to be your friend.”

Afraid that she would start bawling if she spoke and make an even bigger beacon of herself, Carson smiled, grateful for the unconditional support from her friend. Raegan smiled too before returning her attention to the red dress. Carson caught sight of a tiny pair of denim overalls and began admiring them when her phone buzzed. She tossed the overalls into the black mesh basket and grabbed her phone.

“Who are you texting?” Raegan asked.

“Will.”

“Will?”

Carson finished her response and hit send before moving onto another rack of baby apparel. “We met at that legal convention I went to last year, remember?” she explained. “He’s the lawyer out of California. He’s back in town and wants to visit tonight. I thought I told you about him?”

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