Page 67 of Attraction & Repulsion

Something within Carson was piecing back together. Maybe it was the way Billy adoringly looked at Marlo, the mother of his children. Or how Emily’s smile stretched from gold earring-to-gold earring every time Wyatt spoke. Or how Beau’s booming laugh was infectious and filled the room. Maybe it was because Carson could see the Christmas lights twinkle in the twins’ eyes as they raced their toy cars with gusto. It could have been watching Shirley, who showed her what it was like to have a mother pour out nothing but love for her children and grandchildren.

Carson didn’t want to waste it. Not a single moment.

For the rest of Christmas Day, she was determined to experience it all. When Hayden and Henry showed her and Jax how they’d learned to ride their bikes, she cheered the loudest. Her arms were elbow deep in dinner, helping Shirley prepare the Christmas feast consisting of roast and string bean casserole and a garden salad. In order for Billy and Marlo to sneak away for a quiet moment, she offered to watch Elizabeth. She sought Emily’s and Wyatt’s advice on business accounting, explaining that she wanted to eventually open her own firm. By the afternoon, she had a business plan started. At one point, she had a lengthy conversation with Beau. He went on and on about famous supercross athletes, spewing off statistics and asking if she’d watched that year’s final race, even taking her out to the shed to show off his dirt bike.

By the time dinner arrived, Carson felt accomplished. Peering around the table, she absorbed everyone’s energy and listened to the conversation over the scraping of utensils against the plates.

“Jax, you remember Liza from middle school? She just had a baby,” Shirley announced.

“With that idiot boyfriend of hers,” Beau mumbled around a mouth fullof food.

“That reminds me. My friend Hunter and his wife are expecting their first baby,” Jax said.

Shirley’s face lit up, and she placed a hand on her chest. “You’re kidding! That’s so wonderful.”

“Is Hunter the same guy you worked with when you moved to Arizona?” Wyatt asked.

Jax nodded.

“Mom, can we please be excused from the table?” Hayden pleaded.

“Let me see those plates,” Marlo said. Both the boys lifted their dirty dishes with scraps of food left on them. “Good enough for me. Go play till it’s time to load the dishwasher.”

Carson looked down at her plate. She’d eaten all her salad, but hadn’t started on the roast.

Billy leaned around Marlo. “Didn’t you want like fourteen kids or something, Jax?” he asked.

Jax sat back in his chair, putting his arm behind Carson. “I only ever said I wanted a bunch of kids,” he clarified.

Carson gripped her knees, trying to keep her leg from shaking with shame.

“Thank heavens you didn’t have any with Kristen,” Wyatt murmured. Grunts of agreement came from around the table.

“How many kids do you want, Carson?” Marlo asked, refilling her glass with the lemonade pitcher.

Carson’s eyes flitted around the table while everyone patiently waited for her answer. Giving up, she let her leg bounce. “Oh, uh, I don’t think I want any,” she lied.

“You don’t want any kids?” Beau challenged, one eye squinting at her.

She shrugged, shaking her head. “Um, I mean . . . uh . . . I just—”

Beau cut her off before she could finish. “What? Why don’t you want any kids?”

“Ease off, Beau,” Jax snarled.

“It was an innocent question,” Beau said, defensively, his massive shoulders shrugged high by his ears as if he’d merely asked about the weather.

In all fairness to Beau, it was a simple question, and they weren’t strangers. He was the brother of Jax, whom Carson was perfectly fine spending the rest of her life with. The people around her—Marlo, Billy, Shirley, Wyatt, Emily, Beau—could all be her family, too, one day. They were having a discussion about children, and Beau was curious to know why Carson didn’t want any. She felt safe and comfortable with them. She was confident they would protect her as much as she would protect them.

If the past few months had taught her anything, it was to be open and honest with the people she loved. At least that was what she and Dave had been working on: opening up, being honest, trusting others. Even if there were consequences, good or bad. And after the wonderful day she’d had, Carson felt strong. Courageous. She could finally tell Jax this one last secret with the support of his family around them. Dave would be so proud of her.

She unclenched her teeth from her cheek, and her leg calmed. “Actually, I can’t get pregnant,” she finally admitted, proud of the huge step she was taking. “I was in a car accident that killed my husband and unborn son. It also took away my ability to have children.”

Time stood still. Or at least that’s what it felt like. Not a single muscle moved. Forks were suspended between plates and open mouths. It was so quiet Carson could almost hear everyone’s heartbeat. Hers was pounding in her ears, making them ache. Muffled sounds of a cartoon show camefrom the living room. Was anyone even breathing? She realized that she wasn’t breathing and exhaled.

That triggered everyone else. Uncertainty flashed across Beau’s face, his mouth slack. Forks were lowered back to the table. All eyes landed on her. Then they darted between her and Jax. Then between Jax and Beau.

Carson peeped at Jax who was glaring down at his plate. Oh, he didn’t look happy at all. The muscle in his jaw was twitching, and the two lines between his dark eyebrows made an appearance. Her insides puddled. Was he upset because she was infertile? It sure looked like it.

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