Page 45 of Attraction & Repulsion

It was as though a ton of bricks had come crashing down from the ceiling, the weight of the moment crushing her. Every fiber of Carson’s being wanted to run and hide under a rock where nobody could find her. She was appalled at herself, appalled that Jax had found out. Would it make it worse if she pulled away and sprinted out the door?

She wanted to vomit. Heave out the horror of this moment. Because of her selfishness, Jax had escaped from one problematic woman only to gain another.

His silence was screaming in her ears, but she didn’t dare look up at his face, afraid of what she would see. Anger. Disgust. Disappointment.Repulsion. The same emotions she was feeling for herself.

After a minute or an eternity, she didn’t know which, Jax slid his hands down to hers.

“Where’s your first-aid kit?” he asked.

As Carson led him to her bathroom, he never let go of her hands. Not even when he bent down to retrieve the box of medical supplies.

Neither spoke while he cleaned and dressed her wounds with skill gleaned from years of first-aid training. Even after he had finished, Carson body continued to quiver.

This was it. It was over.

To her surprise, Jax pulled her close and wrapped his arms firmly around her. She didn’t dare speak, dare move. Was he giving her one last goodbye?

How could she have let this happen? Let him see the part of her that she hated the most. For years, Carson had been so meticulous in making sure no one ever found out.

She had grown too comfortable.

She had become sloppy.

Eventually, her body ceased shaking. That was when he let her go and lifted her chin.

“Why?”

It was a simple question, but with a complicated answer. Carson tried to look away but Jax’s grip was firm.

“Why?” he asked again.

Her mouth opened. Closed. Opened again. “I’m so sorry,” was all she could say.

“That didn’tanswer my question.”

This time, Jax let her go when she tried to pull away and she buried her face into her hands, her stomach sinking even lower. How does one explain to another the reason they cut themselves?

“Please tell me,” he insisted quietly.

She dropped her hands but didn’t answer him. Her voice was lost in her humiliation.

“Do you cut because of Luke and your baby?”

Carson’s mind spun. The room spun. Everything was spinning.

“I understand if you want to leave.” Her voice was monotone, like a robot.

He sighed, his eyes looking at something behind her.

“I didn’t mean for you to see,” she whispered.

“Does anyone else know?” he asked, focusing back on her.

She shook her head. This had to stop. She needed to stop.

“Are there more?”

“More scars?”

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