Page 29 of Attraction & Repulsion

More than in trouble. One time, her mom caught her reading after dark and tossed the book out the window. It had rained that night. Carson had wept for three days over the death of that book. Worse, she’d had to use her own money to replace it in the school library.

“I don’t think I’ve read them since I was in elementary school,” she said. “I wonder if you can find them anymore. It’s been so long.”

A throaty laugh coming from the table behind Jax distracted her.

“Are your nerves feeling any better?” Jax asked, pulling back her attention and smoothing out the scowl lines that had grown on her face.

“A little.” She was still gnawing at her cheek, but she had a mission tonight. “Actually, I’m glad you called because there was something Iwanted to talk to you about.”

A thick, black eyebrow rose peaked with interest.

“I owe you an explanation about what happened in your truck yesterday.” A rush of embarrassment heated her cheeks.Don’t kiss me. Just kidding, kiss me.

“You don’t owe me anything,” he said.

Carson shook her head. “But I do.” When Jax opened his mouth to protest, she lifted a hand to silence him. “I need you to listen for a minute because I need to explain myself. It’s not fair for me to act one way and then act the opposite five seconds later.”

“It wasn’t five seconds,” he countered.

She let out an excessive breath, a strand of her hair fluttered in front of her face. “I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

“What? Kiss me?”

“Yes.”

Jax sucked on his front teeth.

“I mean, no.” Again with the whiplash. “What I mean is, I told you I wasn’t ready and then I did what I said I wouldn’t do in the truck.” The memory of her lips on his and his firm grip on the back of her neck made her shiver.

“Kissed me,” he clarified.

“Yes . . . kissed you.”

A huge mound of food appeared in front of her face. “I have the pork tacos for you, ma’am, and the brisket-and-chuck-blend burger for you, sir.”

Crummy timing, thought Carson.

“Anything else I can get you two?” the waitress asked.

Jax didn’t take his eyes off Carson. “No, thank you,” he said, dismissing their server. Once she was gone, he continued, “Then why’d you kiss me if you weren’t ready?”

The fluorescent lights drowned out the beautiful colors of a sunset turning into night. Carson knew that the deep burgundy sky was dulling into a slate gray. Still, she tried to see past the screens that covered the glass windows, thinking. Why had she kissed him? She had been asking herself that for the past twenty-four hours. It was impossible for her to decipher her own feelings, let alone define them to someone else.

“When I said I didn’t know if I was ready, I meant that,” she started slowly, her food untouched. “I honestly don’t know what I am. I’m not who you think I am. This isn’t me.” She rubbed her forehead with her palms. The sweet, tangy scent of mango salsa filled her nose. “When you tried to kiss me by the river, it caught me off guard because I wanted you to kiss me. My husband is dead, and I wanted another man to kiss me.”

Now she wished she had agreed to the other restaurant. Luke’s death was too sacred to be discussed in a place like this.

“I didn’t mean to make—” Jax started.

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” she interjected. “As soon as I turned away, I regretted it. I regretted it because I didn’t want to ruin what we . . . I kissed you in the truck because I wanted to.”

“Do you regret it?”

Jax’s voice was so quiet, almost as if he were afraid of her answer. Carson had to strain to hear his question.

“Regret the kiss?” she asked.

“Do you regret kissing me?”

---