Page 71 of Attraction & Repulsion

Why was he here? Had he left something and come to retrieve it? Did something happen? The questions continued to build in Carson’s mind as she cut the engine and slid out of the seat.

As she closed the distance between them, her heels clicked on the concrete. Jax didn’t move from his spot, keeping his hands deep in his Carharttjacket pockets. The porch light cast its yellowish hue on them both.

Cold and defensive, Jax’s eyes glowed like two aqua rhinestones. They were fierce. They were frightening. The closer Carson got, the more they narrowed, until she stopped a few feet from him.

Even in the dim lighting, Carson detected the guarded expression on his face. What little composure she’d gathered crumbled. It shattered her to see him so . . . hostile.

Finally, he looked directly at her. Before he would set her on fire. Now she turned to granite. When he didn’t say anything, she did, but all she could muster was, “Hi.”

He gave her a once-over. “Hi,” he snipped, sharp and bitter.

“What are you doing here?”

He sucked on his teeth for a moment before answering. “I just wanted to check in on you and make sure you weren’t . . .” He hesitated, glancing down at her arms for a moment. “That you weren’t doing anything to yourself. I figured the breakup could have triggered you.”

For the first time in over a week, warmth enveloped Carson.

“I haven’t done anything,” she answered proudly.

That day when the kitchen knives had drawn her in, she’d tossed the entire block in the front yard, grabbed a pen and paper, and began to draw. Endless loops. Scribbles of trees. Flower after flower after flower until the temptation subsided, transforming her attraction into repulsion. She had used the entire spiral notebook.

His demeanor broke, and for a split-second relief flashed across his face. But only a second before the guarded Jax was back. He cleared his throat. “Good. I’m glad to hear that. I assume you still have nightmares?”

She winced and nodded.

Silently he accepted her answer. A slight breeze blew in, causing her hairto tickle her numb cheeks. Carson’s legs were bare in a skirt and heels. Her bones began shaking from the cold.

Jax must have noticed her wobbling knees or heard the chatter of her teeth, because he pushed off his truck. “Better get inside before you freeze,” he said, opening his door.

“Jax?” She took a step closer to him, smelling the familiar scent of his truck. How she missed it.

Turning, Jax looked down at her.

“Thank you.”

A corner of his mouth twitched, fighting a smile. He gave Carson one last glance before climbing back into his truck and driving away.

Her briefcase thumped when it hit the floor. It tipped over, causing the contents to spill onto the carpet. Carson was too busy reliving Jax’s visit in her mind to notice. The amount of courage it had taken for him to set aside his pride to make sure she wasn’t slicing her skin was a wake-up call.

Groaning, Carson fell back onto her bed, the comforter puffing with air. From the moment she had met Jax, he had been nothing but kind, patient, and giving. She could stay up all night listing every one of his positive attributes. Thinking back, she remembered when she had first spoken with Raegan about him. The morning after getting stitches, Raegan had said that Jax was the nicest person she would ever meet. And, for the few short months they were together, he had lived up to that.

Carson knew what she had given up. Because of her distrust, she had lost the only man who understood her. He knew how to fight for her butalso knew how to let her fight her own battles. Jax had brought rain to her drought. Because of him, she could feel the beat of her heart, hear the birds serenade her in the mornings. The green of the cacti was so much more vibrant than before. For the first time in a long time, she had noticed the flaming orange rocks of the Granite Dells.

The love Carson had for Jax hadn’t just happened. It had started as a spark until it grew into a burning fire within her. Like a diamond harvested from the depths of the earth’s deepest mantle, her love could only form under extreme conditions.

Because she’d withheld her secrets from Jax, because she’d kept them for so long, Carson had ruined their relationship. First Luke, then her child, then Jax. What other relationships was she going to lose by her own hand?

Was Carson hiding her self-harm from her best friend going to ruin that relationship too? Would Raegan be upset with her and no longer want to be her friend because Carson didn’t know how to open up and trust others?

No. She refused to be the reason she lost even more people in her life.

Jax had shown her that, even butchered and sterile, she could still find love,beloved. It was now time to trust that others could also love her.

It was time to tell Raegan.

Chapter twenty-five

Carson counted the ticks coming from the clock on the wall. Seventy. Seventy-one. Seventy-two. Seventy-three. Seventy-four. Seventy-five.

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