Page 57 of Attraction & Repulsion

“I do think what you are doing is wrong,” he said softly, the pain in his voice very clear. “I also think being mean to you will not help the situation.”

Carson took the hem of her shirt to wipe the tears from her face. “Then why can’t I stop?” she begged.

“You are stopping,” he reminded her. “How many times have you told me that you wanted to and didn’t do it?”

There had been a day, while Jax was on shift, Carson sent him a message. He’d suggested leaving the house to escape the solitude, which she did by taking a cold ride on her dirt bike. One morning she’d taken Dave’s advice and, instead of using a razor to mark her arms, used a pen to scribble dozens of illustrations all over her skin. She recalled the bemused expression on Jax’s face when he came home from work and saw her little art project.

The tears finally stopped. Her breakdown had peaked, plateaued, andnow sloped downward. The trauma of giving in and hurting herself finally subsided enough that the fog in her head dissipated.

Clearing the frog in her throat, Carson said, “I just don’t understand how you can be so patient with me all. The. Damn. Time. Not only patient, but so accepting that I cut mys—”

“Don’t youeverthink I accept you cutting yourself. Ever,” Jax said, his words saturated in bitterness. “I have, however, accepted the reason you did it.” His use of past tense wasn’t lost on her.

“Yes, but everyone has had someone in their life die and are completely normal.” Carson raised her voice again, frustrated. “Why can’t I just get over it? My family died five years ago, and I’m acting like it just happened. It’s beenfive years!”

Groaning, she dropped her head into her hands. Why couldn’t she just let their deaths go? It was exhausting holding on. The self-harm was exhausting.Shewas exhausted.

Raising her head, Carson looked at Jax. “Don’t forgive me for tonight. I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” she muttered.

His body turned to stone. “Are you sorry for taking a screw to your shoulder and shredding your skin?”

So blunt.

“Yes.”

It was the truth. Carson was sorry. Not only for breaking a promise to Jax, but for breaking a promise to herself. And she hated the way she currently felt. She had never felt like this before and never wanted to feel like this ever again.

“Then that’s good enough for me,” he said before switching the light off and rolling over to go back to bed.

Chapter twenty

All day, Jax didn’t text or call, putting Carson on edge.

Trying to make herself feel better, she told herself that he was just busy during his shift and couldn’t be on his phone. Though she knew that wasn’t true. He was angry and hurt. She wouldn’t want to talk to herself either.

Sitting at the conference table surrounded by law books, Carson and Noah were in the trenches of preparing her for her first ever family law case: a child custody dispute. After the consultation with Jax, Carson had expressed to Garrett her interest in family law which, to her surprise, led to him assigning her this case. For the past three hours, she and Noah had been reviewing Arizona’s Rules of Family Law Procedure.

When her phone buzzed with an incoming text, Carson practically threw her pen to snatch it, hoping the message was from Jax.

“Woah. You missing your man?” Noah teased.

“It’s none of your business,” she snapped, frustrated because it was Raegan sending Carson a link to a baby registry.

“I was just asking,” Noah said, lifting his hands defensively.

“I’m sorry. I had a rough night. I’m exhausted, and I guess it’s finally getting to me.” Maybe Carson should have brought in her lavender candlewhile they worked.

“Is everything fine between you and Jax?” Noah’s tone suggested that he had already brushed off Carson’s attitude with him. For moments like this, she appreciated Noah’s personality. He was never ruffled when it came to other people’s distress, which was a handy quality to have when working at a law firm. When emotions would inevitably run high, Noah would let them roll off his shoulders.

Carson tilted the chair back, dropping her hands into her lap. “I just did something that made him disappointed in me.” The ache in her shoulder burned a little hotter.

“Oh.” Noah sounded surprised that she would offer this intimate detail of her relationship. “Did you guys get into a fight?”

“Yes and no,” she said. “More like I overreacted and said some things I shouldn’t have.” Her words had been so malicious.

“Is he mad at you?” Noah asked, pushing his glasses up with a single finger.

“No, I don’t think so. Frustrated if anything. Hurt, definitely. And he has every right to be.”

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