Page 56 of Attraction & Repulsion

Kneeling in front of the porcelain, her sickness complete, Carson strained to hear if Jax stirred from the flush. It was silent except for the ticking of the clock on the wall.

I have to tell him.I have to tell him. . .right now.

With weak knees, Carson walked into her room like a person marching to their death. She might as well be dead, as her hands and feet were numb. She wasn’t even sure if she had a heart anymore, because nothing seemed to beat in her rib cage.

Gingerly, she sat on the bed, careful not to disturb Jax, though she was surprised that the ringing in her own ears didn’t wake him up. Gripping his shoulder, Carson shook it. He didn’t wake. She shook it again. This time he stirred.

“Jax?” Her voice wasn’t her own. Too low. Too shaky.

Finally, Jax sat up trying to find her in the dark. “What is it? What’s wrong?” His voice was thick with sleep.

“I hurt myself,” she said flatly.

“What?”

“I hurt myself,” she said again, louder this time. She didn’t blame him for not understanding, with her voicequivering so much.

There was a pause as the realization of what she’d said dawned on him.

Then the tears sprang from her eyes, and Carson began to sob into her hands. Behind her fingers a soft light switched on: the nightstand lamp.

“Where?” Jax asked, all sleep gone. His voice was so sharp, too sharp for her ears. When he forcefully snagged one of Carson’s arms, she dipped her face trying to hide her shame.

“Not my arms.”

“Where,” he demanded again, not asking this time.

Carson pointed to her left shoulder, then placed both of her palms back on her face. Jax tugged the collar of her T-shirt to expose what she had done.

“With what?” he asked.

So much agony. So much anguish.

“A screw.”

“Ascrew?” he hissed, horrified. Probably thinking what someone had to do to cause that much damage with a screw.

The sobs continued. And she was hot. It was stifling in the room even though it was late fall outside.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I don’t know,” Carson sputtered. That would have been such a simple solution, but in the intensity of the moment, it hadn’t occurred to her.

Then she felt Jax’s arms wrap around her. She shoved them away. “No!” she cried, her breath hitching. “Damn it, Jax, I don’t deserve your sympathy.”

Stunned, he stared at her.

“Stop being so nice to me,” she pleaded.

Jax gave her a look like a patient parent would give to their screaming child as they waited for the tantrum to finish. “Do you want me to be mean to you?” he asked, still aggravatingly calm.

“Yes!” She was loud again, knowing she was being hysterical but not caring. “Stop being so weak. Recognize that I messed up. I failed us. I failedyou. Stand up for yourself for once and stop letting women walk all over you. Kristen did it, and now you’re letting me do it.”

Jax flinched as though Carson had just smacked him across the face, and instantly she regretted her words.

Except sadly, somewhere deep within her, she felt it necessary to say something,anythingto get him to acknowledge the severity of her actions. She was tired of his undying patience, because she believed if she were to continue to self-harm, he would continue to be forgiving and let her.

What he seemed not to understand was that self-harm didn’t just affect her; it impacted him as well. Jax was absorbing how Carson treated herself. How was he supposed to go to bed at night, go to work, or hang out with his friends when she could hurt herself at any moment? The toll would slowly build up until Jax himself would snap.

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