Page 52 of Attraction & Repulsion

Nodding weakly against her knees, Carson let him help her step out of the tub, her soaking pajamas drenching the floor. Piece by piece he strippedher of her dripping clothes then pulled off his sweatshirt, putting it over her head and threading her arms through the sleeves. There was a whiff of dust on the fabric. The jacket practically swallowed her whole. It was warm from his body, like being in the protection of his embrace.

Then she was in Jax’s arms as he carried her to her bed and lay her in the middle. Carson heard him kick off his shoes to climb in with her. He wasn’t going to let her go as he tucked his arm under her head, letting it rest on his chest.

“Thank you,” Carson managed to croak.

Jax grasped her hand that was resting on his stomach, squeezing harder than normal. “I’m just so glad you called.”

Carson could feel his heartbeat pick up its pace. Confused, she asked, “I called you?”

“You don’t remember?”

She recalled the dream and waking up. Except she thought she had gone straight into the bathroom to open the window because she needed fresh air. Then she’d looked in the drawers for something . . .

A shudder shook her body. “No, I don’t.”

“You did,” Jax said. “I picked up, but you didn’t say anything. When you didn’t answer me calling your name, I rushed over here, hoping I wasn’t too late.” He hugged her tighter to his body, his tone changing into something she hadn’t heard from him before: fear.

“I didn’t do it,” Carson repeated. Then it hit her. She hadn’t done it. Hadn’t used an object to hurt herself. Hadn’t caused herself pain or damaged her body. She’d been very close, even pressing the blade to her skin without puncturing it, but she. Hadn’t. Done. It. For the first time in two years, she hadn’t hurt herself.

Attraction.

What was even more inspiring was that she had come away unscathed byherself. No one had been there to stop her. She’d done it all on her own. This gave her a shred of confidence that she did have what it took to end her self-harm. She wasn’t just doing it for Jax. Somewhere deep within her, she had the strength to stop herselfforherself. Even with her lingering nightmares, Carson didn’t have a single scratch on her body.

Dave, her therapist, would be so proud. Raegan, if she knew, would be smiling ear-to-ear.

“I know, baby. I know. I’m so proud of you,” Jax said, kissing the top of her head. Then, after a couple of seconds, he asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Carson’s gut reaction was to say no. But she was feeling strong. If she could stop herself from cutting she could talk to Jax.

Teeth grazing the inside of her cheek she started, “I have this dream.”

“The dream about the accident?”

“No, it’s a different one. Luke is there and so is . . . he.” Her voice caught.

“He?”

“The baby I was pregnant with, but he’s not a baby anymore. He’s the age he would be today if he were still alive.” She stared at the ceiling, illuminated by the bathroom light that cascaded into the room. “In the dream, I have this history with them. My baby’s born and Luke and I are parents. Most of the time we’re taking him to the park. The dream always ends with . . .” Squirming, Carson tried to find the additional strength to speak the nightmare out loud. “The semi is there, and I can never reach them fast enough. I’m always too late to save them.” Tears pricked her eyes.

“So you woke up from this dream and went into the bathroom,” Jax stated. “You do know that their deaths weren’t your fault, right?”

Jax was repeating what Dave had explained to her during her secondcounseling session. Evidently she had been suffering from survivor’s guilt. The guilt that she survived and her baby didn’t. But Carson had been his mother. It had been her job to be his caregiver, his protector, and she’d failed. It had been her responsibility to guard the little human inside her. Instead, she had forsaken her baby.

“I was supposed to protect him,” she murmured.

“You did protect him. But you couldn’t have controlled what happened that day.”

“I know. I can’t help but think about it though.”

“I can understand that.”

As they lay there, Carson began to feel closer to normal. She could feel her toes, her feet, her legs. Hands and arms, one curled underneath her and the other across Jax’s chest. The expansion of her lungs as she breathed. Although it felt as though there was a boulder on her chest.

“What time is it?” Carson asked.

“I’m not sure. You called around two.” Jax dug his hand into his pocket to pull out his phone, shifting Carson’s weight in the process. He squinted against the bright digital light. “It’s three.”

“Thank you for coming all the way out here in the middle of the night. I’m feeling better now. You can go home and get some sleep.”

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