Page 48 of Attraction & Repulsion

It had been two weeks since Jax discovered Carson’s secret. Now she was sitting on a therapist’s sofa next to Jax.

The therapist, Dr. Whitlock—though he’d offered for Carson and Jax to call him Dave—leaned back, the deep-mocha leather of his chair whining. “What brings you here today?”

His black goatee moved as he spoke, the whiskers bending with the motion of his lips. The clanging of Carson’s keys began to annoy her, so she dropped them by her side and shoved her hands between her thighs before glancing at Jax.

“I cut myself.” No point in beating around the bush, though the words felt like mud in her mouth. Carson wished she had a hose to wash away the dirt.

“Thank you for sharing with me. That must have been difficult,” Dave said. “I’m interested in hearing about what leads you to self-harm.”

“I don’t know. Maybe because my husband and son died in a car accident.”

“I can only imagine how hard that was for you.”

“Well, it was five years ago,” Carson said dismissively.

Dave’s head tilted to one side. “You say that as if five years is a long time. As though their deaths shouldn’t be difficult anymore.”

Carson’s eyes dropped to inspect the patterns in the carpet, a kaleidoscope of brown and black. Compared to the Granite Dells Center, she liked the darker earth tones this one had to offer. It reminded her of the forest. In fact, the light scent of trees, like pine needles after a rainstorm, floated around the room.

“Did the accident trigger the start of your self-harm?” Dave asked.

“Not necessarily,” she said, her hair lightly hitting her cheeks when she shook her head. “Well, I guess, since I have never cut myself before the accident.”

“I’d like to know what you mean by ‘not necessarily’.”

Those three scars appeared in Carson’s mind. So did her abhorrence.

After a quick glance at Jax, glad he agreed to go with her to her first session, she explained. “I was pregnant at the time of the accident. I needed surgery which left scars on my stomach. After three years I didn’t want to look at them anymore.”

“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Dave said, his face becoming softer, more round.

“Thank you,” Carson said.

“Your mind and body have been through a lot. I can only imaginewhat you are feeling.”

A waterfall feature covered the entire wall behind the therapist. The water descended and bubbled in the little pool at the bottom. It was a nice, calming touch.

“Sometimes,” Carson murmured, “when I hurt myself, I don’t feel anything at all, like I’m in a trance. I can’t control it. Other times, I’m conscious of what I’m doing, and it’s almost satisfying. Which is crazy, because obviously it’s wrong.”

“When someone harms themselves, their body releases endorphins, which are happy hormones, to the brain,” Dave said, uncrossing his legs. “Are you on any medications?”

Carson stiffened, suddenly wary. “No, and I don’t want to be,”

“May I ask why not?”

Carson’s body turned to liquid, horrified at the direction the conversation had gone. The shaking in her hands migrated up to her arms. She balled them into fists on her lap, feeling stupid for not realizing that this specific subject would come up, especially with Jax sitting next to her. For a moment she contemplated lying, but quickly rejected the thought. She was done lying.

“Carson?”

Her attention snapped back to Dave. “I don’t have a good relationship with medications,” she said. That hadn’t been a good enough explanation, as Dave continued to stare at her expectantly. Carson adjusted in her seat, chewed her cheek for a second, then spoke. “About a year after the accident, I found my leftover painkillers. I took every single one with an entire bottle of vodka.”

“You attempted to end your life by overdosing?” Dave asked.

Hearing her actions spoken out loud made Carson’s soul leave her body. Meekly, she looked at Jax. Hiseyes held so much pain.

Looking back at Dave, she gave a tiny nod.

“Have you tried again since?” Dave gently pressed.

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