Page 37 of Attraction & Repulsion

“He tried to kiss me when we were drying off,” she said. Raegan’s cheek muscles spasmed as if she were about to burst, but she kept silent. “I pulled away before he could then later in his truck I—I kissed him.”

“You kissed him?” Raegan’s hand smacked the table so hard the conversations around them stopped. “Wait, wait, wait.Youkissed him.”

Mortified, Carson’s face fell into her hands. “I have no idea what got into me.”

“It’s that chiseled body that got into you, that’s what.” Then Raegan slapped her hand on her mouth. “Didthat chiseled body get into you?”

“Of course not,” Carson snipped, dropping her hands. “But I shouldn’t be kissing and dating and . . . and . . . I mean it’s only been five years since Luke passed away.”

Flustered, Carson’s leg bounce was on overtime. Both cheeks were raw, probably bleeding inside. And she could no longer feel her fingertips. If only she had something sharp in her pocket. She could go into the bathroom for a quick fix.

Somewhere she’d read that people who cut carried a “toolkit” with them. Carson had thought about creating her own for moments like this, but that would have meant she accepted herself as a cutter. And she refused to do that.

A soft hand delicately touched her arm, bringing her back to the table. Back to the restaurant with the clinking of ice in cups, the munching of crisp vegetables, “Order up!” being shouted every few moments.

“It has been five years,” Raegan said quietly. “Just because you start to have feelings for someone else doesn’t diminish your love for Luke. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing.”

Raegan’s words enveloped Carson and began to soothe her aching heart. Why hadn’t she come to Raegan sooner? Her best friend always listenedto her and knew what to say. Sometimes her advice was unsolicited, but it was welcome, nonetheless. Carson could have saved herself a lot of inner turmoil by talking about her feelings for Jax with Raegan in the first place. For a split second, she pondered telling Raegan about her self-harm. That idea was squashed like a bug.

“Shouldn’t this take time?” Carson asked.

“Not always. Give Jax a chance. He’s an incredible person. You can always take it slow.”

Carson played with a thread at the end of her sleeve, rolling the cotton between her fingers.Small steps.

“Do you want it to be serious?”

“I think it’s too soon to know exactly what I want,” Carson breathed. Again, the uncertainties swirled in her brain. With Jax. Without Jax. Cut. Don’t cut. Live. Or don’t.

“I know what I want.” Raegan smiled infectiously. “I want my best friend to be happy.”

“Thank you,” Carson said, feeling Raegan’s love. Then she snuck another glance at the guys, who were now waiting off to the side for the food. “There’s something else I have to tell you.”

At the tone of Carson’s voice, Raegan leaned closer, as if to shield what she was about to say from the rest of the world.

“Jax responded to my accident.”

Now it was Raegan who peered at Hunter and Jax. “How do you know?”

“I remembered. I guess he knew all along. Well, since the auction.”

“Why didn’t he say anything?”

“He said it’s becauseIdidn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t recognize him until a couple of days ago,” Carson explained.

“Oh, honey.” Raegan’s eyebrows bent with concern, and her eyes grew glossier. “How are you feeling?”

Carson started to fidget with her sleeve again, and her leg continued to shake. “I mean, it’s a bit uncomfortable. It did bring back some memories.”

“You’re digesting a lot right now, aren’t you?”

“You can say that again,” Carson mumbled.

“Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it. And Carson . . .” Raegan pulled on Carson’s hand to get her attention once more, just as Hunter and Jax returned with their meals. “I hope you find peace in all of this. You deserve it.”

Chapter twelve

Carson had always hated the cold and frozen sections of the grocery store. It didn’t matter how hot the day was, or how many layers she was wearing, her fingers and toes would always go numb whenever she went to purchase frozen dinners. Right now she had her fingers shoved under her armpits while Jax perused the assortment of steaks. After dinner with Hunter and Raegan, Jax had asked Carson if they could stop at the Safeway down the road because he was running low on groceries.

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