Page 30 of Attraction & Repulsion

She picked up her fork and pushed the rice around. Steam escaped from between the white kernels. “I don’t think I regret kissing you, but I don’t know what I think. This is all so confusing. I’m just amazed you don’t think I’m bat-shit crazy and still want to have dinner with me.”

He popped a fry in his mouth before he jokingly said, “I felt bad foryou.”

She chuckled, and they dug into their awaiting dinner. Her corn tortillas instantly crumbled, their weak bodies unable to bear the generous serving of meat. She resorted to using her fork instead of chancing dropping food all over her lap. She could only stomach a few bites of rice and half a taco. Jax, on the other hand, devoured his entire burger and all of his fries. Only the remnants of juices and seasoning dirtied the tray’s paper. She wondered if it was because of his fireman appetite or if his mother had properly taught him to always eat all of his food.

Instead of bringing up the kiss again, he asked her about trivial things. She knew he was only asking these types of questions because he was giving her space. Letting her decide if it was more than just a first date.

The first date she’d ever had was boring. A simple dinner and movie. That wasn’t the boring part. First-dates were supposed to be full of nerves and giggles, but there’d been nothing.

When she and Luke had gone on their first date, it was extraordinary. Somehow, he’d managed to set up a table and candlelit dinner in a road median.

“Isn’t this illegal?” she had asked.

“Hell if I know.” Then Luke’s eyes darted toward the passing vehicles. “If you see red and blue lights and hear sirens, we should probably run.”

That night, the lawyer in her had researched loitering in road medians. She had laughed because the two of them had committed a misdemeanor.

What was this first date with Jax like? Nerves. Check. Excitement. Check. The opportunity for another date . . . Check. They hadn’t even finished their first date, and she was already thinking about a second one. Was that considered a small step or one very large step? She’d have to think about that.

But what would happen after the second date? A third? Then a fourth? Date after date after date. Same trivial topics. Same humdrum meals. At what point would she allow him to take her to a more romantic restaurant?

Romantic? Absolutely not. At least not right now. No. Not ever.

“Everything alright?”

Carson blinked, trying to remoisten her eyes which had been staring relentlessly at the swamp cooler in the corner window. She squared her slouching shoulders and looked timidly at Jax. The family beside her had left and was replaced by an old couple who were slurping their soup.

“Remember when I said I wasn’t ready?” she asked.

Scooting forward, Jax put his hand on top of hers. For a second, Carson thought he was going to push her sleeve up and confront her about her newest cut.

“This doesn’t have to be anything more than just a friendship,” he reaffirmed, although he was doing a poor job at hiding the regret in his voice.

She eyed their hands resting together on the tabletop. His touch was so hot, it burned her skin.

“That’s the confusing part,” she whispered. “I think I don’t want this to bejusta friendship.”

There. She’d done it. She’d finally admitted to him the very foundation of her inner turmoil. The reason for her chaotic thoughts.

Carson West wanted a relationship with Jax Miller.

She interlaced her fingers with his. “I don’t understand how happy I am with you. I shouldn’t be happy. My family is dead, and I shouldn’t be happy.” Her voice broke. Her heart broke. Her walls broke.

Instead of responding, he squeezed her hand tighter. Not even trying to find the right words to say to her. All he did was touch her.

Oddly, this was exactly what she needed. For years, people tried to make her feel better with words. It was always “It’s going to be okay.” “You’re so strong.” “You’re going to make it through this.” Frankly, it was all bullshit. She wasn’t okay. She wasn’t strong. And she sure as hell was not making it through this. But she couldn’t blame them for their words. What else were they supposed to say to someone who was the sole survivor of a car accident? “Your entire family died, and now you’re going to suffer”?

No words were exchanged for seconds. Minutes. Long enough that the heat in her hand had subsided. Long enough that the plates were removed, and the bill was paid.

Jax’s silence was becoming suspicious. Then blood flooded her neck and cheeks.Oh no, Carson thought. What if, after all she had confessed, he was quiet because he didn’t feel the same way? But in the truck, he’d kissed her back, hadn’t he? Or had it just been her imagination? It had been so many years since she had kissed someone.

Except he’d invited her out to dinner. Then again, he’d said they didn’t have to be more than friends. Was that him friend-zoning her? Was she spilling her guts like a fool to someone who wasn’t receptive to it all?

“You haven’t said anything,” she blurted.

His face scrunched. “About what?”

“About what happened in the truck. About the kiss.”Our first kiss. “I mean I just told you I wanted to be in a relationship with you and you didn’t respond.”

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