Page 18 of Attraction & Repulsion

Carson peeked down at what she had written. One simple word. It sneered back up at her, provoking.

Was it achievable? Was it even possible? What did freedom look like?

As she thought about freedom, Jax in the black suit and bowtie he hadworn to the auction a month ago came into her mind, which didn’t make any sense. She chewed on her inner cheek and focused even harder on the freedom she desperately wanted.

For almost two years, Carson had been trapped in the endless cycle of cut, heal, repeat. She was tired of hurting herself, tired of the lies, tired of feeling guilty. Freedom would mean a future with no more scars, no more bleeding, and no more secrets. Which meant more possibilities.

Again, Jax’s face came to mind. As a possibility? A possibility for what? A relationship? Her husband was dead, and she was daydreaming about the possibility of a relationship? Carson scolded herself. It was way too soon to think about that kind of future.

Except, what would she have to do to have a future with someone? With Jax? She would have to stop cutting herself, because that someone would eventually expect to, want to—she swallowed the giant lump that formed in her throat—see her body. And that was impossible at the moment.

Even as Carson thought it, her hand moved to lay over her arm, as if protecting the secret that lay underneath.

Could she stop?Wouldshe stop?

She knew she needed to stop. If she was going to set a goal to be free—have a future with or without Jax—she absolutely had to quit what she was doing to herself.

Start small. Yes, she could start small. Something manageable like not cutting herself as often. Only allow it once a week. That was doable.

A relationship with Jax was not doable.

The seminar finished after they had dissected the “anatomy” of a goal. Carson stayed silent as everyone began filtering out of the room, buzzing about the conclusion of the convention. As she reached the elevator her name was being called from behind.

“You were out the door before I had a chance to say bye,” Will said, jogging up to her, bringing a faint floral scent with him. Was that his cologne? This entire week, Carson had thought it was Candi’s perfume she was smelling.

“I wanted to leave as soon as possible to beat the weekend traffic,” she said.

There was a faint drop in his face. “Oh . . .”

“Was there something you needed?”

Shifting his feet, he said, “It’s nothing.”

“What is it?” she pressed, confused about his shyness.

Will coughed into a closed fist. “I was just wondering if you wanted to go get some dinner together before I went back to California.”

“Dinner?”

“Yes, dinner. As in, a date.”

The shock slapped Carson across the face. She and Will had gotten along so well the past week. They’d laughed and eaten meals together. When Will had mentioned he was interested in moving from California to Arizona, she’d encouraged him, telling him about all Arizona had to offer, especially if he moved to the Valley of the Sun.

That’s where she wanted him to stay.

“I’m . . . already seeing someone,” Carson lied. It was the best way she could think of to turn him down without hurting his feelings.

Will drew his chin in, making the coat of hairspray on his blond hair shimmer. “I didn’t realize you had a boyfriend. You never said anything all week.”

Carson could only stand there, hoping her body language kept up her facade.

“Does he live in the Prescott area too?” Will asked.

What was with the third degree? He didn’t believe her. She needed to be more convincing. Then the auction popped into her brain again and she said the first thing that came to mind: “His name is Jax. And yes, he lives in Prescott.” Even though she had no idea where Jax lived.

“Huh.” Will seemed to finally accept her answers. “If I would have known I wouldn’t have asked you out. I’m sorry. Have a safe trip.” He stuck his hand out for a shake.

Carson tried to mask her cringe before shaking Will’s hand. “You too.”

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