Page 33 of Where We Fall

“I don’t want to stay too long,” I said as I got in the car, my eyes on my screaming baby who was standing in the living room window with the sitter behind him, her eyes panicky.

“Come on.” Theo climbed in the driver’s seat. “Just enjoy yourself. It’s not often we get to do this.”

“You work long hours. I understand.”

Theo clutched the car keys in his fist and looked over at me. There was something in his eyes and I didn’t know if I liked it. But it was more than the way those brown eyes swallowed me like I was his whole universe, it was the way his lips quivered just for a moment.

Did he want to say something? Was it emotion that caused the slight tick I wouldn’t have caught if I weren’t looking so intently at him?

“What’s wrong?” I asked, unsure of where we stood.

He shook his head and stuck the keys in the ignition. “I could ask you the same thing,” he said and I pinched my lips together this time, unable to offer anything other than silence for a moment.

I had to swallow the truth down. Creating smiles from sorrow took time. “There’s nothing wrong. We’re great.” I placed my hand over his for emphasis.

“I do love you, Noa. I would do anything to keep you.”

I tried to ignore the way he’d arranged the words. I knew what he meant but I didn’t want to bekept. I wasn’t for keeping, displaying, and discarding when through. But I remained silent. The more time had gone on, the more I interacted with Dexter, the more obvious it became that Theo and I were not a perfect match. And wasn’t that what everyone wanted? A perfect match?

We only drove for maybe fifteen minutes when Theo pulled into a restaurant parking lot. I thought back on my days in Seattle, when I went to one restaurant and they knew me and what I liked. It was at that very restaurant that I’d seen Dexter again.

I got out of the car and took a deep breath. Maybe this restaurant would replace my memory with something I could bear to think of. As I looked around, I noticed Dexter’s car in the lot, not too far from Theo’s and I bit my lip.

Probably not.

We got inside and I didn’t have to look to know Dexter was sitting on a bench near the hostess’s podium. His head was ducked down and there was a box in his hands. I saw all of this through my peripheral because I didn’t allow my eyes to fly to him the way they wanted to. I practiced such discipline, waiting until he noticed us and walked toward us. I did this and every moment killed me until brown met blue and the butterflies in my belly fluttered to life.

“Happy early birthday, Blue,” he whispered as he leaned in and kissed my cheek.

When Dexter shoved a square box in my hand, I glanced at Theo, who smiled tightly and gestured for me to open it.

I shook my head and put the gift in my purse. “Thank you. I’ll open it later.” I leaned in to kiss Dexter’s cheek and his exhale grazed my skin in a warm wave. I missed his touch, his love, his breathing. I missed it all.

But then I heard Miranda and the moment was gone.

“Noa Cruz is nearly thirty,” she announced as she walked up with her new husband trailing behind her. “I’m not the old one anymore.”

“You’ll always be older than I am,” I said with a laugh as she hugged me. “You don’t get to stay forty just so I can catch up.”

“Darling, I ought to wash your mouth out with soap,” she playfully scolded. “Such filthy words.” She glanced behind me. “Hello, Theo. Dexter!” She walked around me to embrace him and I hugged her husband.

A few of Theo’s coworkers showed up and then we were seated. All through the meal, I thought back to the birthday that started it all. My eighteenth birthday was the first that I could remember loving, and that was all thanks to the man sitting a few chairs down from me. He chatted with Miranda and Quinton and when I glanced over, caught up in the rapture of our memories, I felt Theo’s hand squeeze mine, bringing me back down.

I looked around the table and wondered why Rachel hadn’t accompanied Dexter, remembering Theo’s invitation. But if I were invited to her birthday celebration, I wouldn’t have attended either. Still, she was missing out on another opportunity to spend time with Dexter while my relationship status was shoved in his face. I couldn’t deny that I worried one day he’d find solace in her arms. That day would kill me.

“Want to try some of my salmon?” Theo whispered the question in my ear, as if it were personal and when I glanced back at Dexter, he was watching us.

I shook my head and speared a shrimp before eating it. I watched Dexter’s back as he stood up and walked to the bathroom. The glasses around the table were filled with wine, and I thought about the fact that Theo didn’t know I had a problem with alcohol. He didn’t know a lot of things about me. Maybe I was just a crazy artist to him. Maybe he told himself that so he didn’t look so deeply into what exactly made me crazy.

I stared at his wine. He’d probably be surprised if I took a sip, but now would be the time. Dexter was in the restroom and Miranda was focused on something Quinton was saying.

Now would be the perfect time.

You’ll find your end at the bottom of a drinking glass.

It was a curious thing, knowing one decision could end your life.

Before I could ponder the thought, Theo stood, and I was looking at him in confusion. Was he toasting?

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