Page 76 of Please Hate Me

“And I won’t tell anyone else what you say.”

Goosebumps dusted every inch of my skin that wasn’t pressed against Lucian’s.

“My dad forced me to hide my pregnancy. He said it’s bad for my image.” My heart was beating hard enough to shake my chest. “But now that I’m in a situation where I don’t have to be ashamed of my baby, I hate the way she’s making me look.”

His breathing stilled, and I wondered if he was about to scream at me. Considering our history, he had every right to. This pregnancy was completely my fault, and I had the gall to complain to Lucian about it after destroying his life twice. It shouldn’t be a surprise that pregnancy was making me fat—my mother never let me forget how my existence ruined her modeling career. My dad didn’t want to see me go through the same thing; that’s why he was so hard on me about my diet.

“I know it probably doesn’t help… but I think you’re beautiful.” Lucian’s voice was soft as he traced absent-minded circles on my stomach.

“Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

My breathing slowed, and I reached up to caress his cheek. His slight stubble tickled my hand as he held onto my wrist, pulling me closer. His breath ghosted my lips, but he stopped just short of kissing me.

“Why don’t you want anyone to know how you feel about me?” I whispered.

“BecauseIdon’t know how I feel about you.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “This is new and nostalgic all at the same time. I crave the feeling of being close to you, but I also want to push you so far away I’d never risk seeing you again.”

He blinked once and swallowed hard. “I was finally starting to move forward in life without you, raising my kids, staying sober. Then you walk back in, and it’s just like you never left… except you did.”

My heart swelled as he massaged my scalp with his fingertips.

“I hate that you have the power to make me feel complete, especially since I didn’t know I was missing anything.”

And I hated that I was the one who made him feel that way. He deserved better than me.

“What part of this,” he gestured to my torso, “makes you uncomfortable?”

“All of it?” I squeaked before cupping my exposed breasts. “I’ve never had tits or curves or anything.”

“Maybe don’t fuck someone twice your size? That’d probably help.” Lucian’s chuckle was deep and smooth like silk.

“He’snottwice my size!”

“He absolutely is. It’s like a Great Dane fucking a Pomeranian, and you wonder why—ouch!” His words cut off as I lightly struck his chest. I knew I hadn’t hurt Lucian; he was just being a baby.

“Don’t hit me.”

“Then don’t make fun of me.”

“Don’t give me something to make fun of! But back to the matter at hand: I don’t know if you’re just insecure or what, but you’re in a home full of people whose love isn’t determined by appearances.”

My stomach bottomed out.

“You love me?”

Red flooded his cheeks as he yanked away from me, hopping off the chair and grabbing his pants. He jumped into the dark denim, buckling his belt while checking his phone.

“You should probably get dressed.” He cleared his throat as he spoke. “Cam’s stopping by to bring me coffee.”

I pushed myself up, resting on my elbows as Lucian tugged his shirt on, frantically popping buttons into holes. For years, I was fine without Lucian. But now, after having him so close, it felt wrong for him to pull away.

“I thought I was taking the Jeep.”

“You were, but uh... I’m going to have one of my employees drive me home in it. Or I’ll get it towed, or—just get dressed.” There was an edge to his voice, one his face didn’t mirror.

I assumed our conversation would end there, so I forced myself up and tugged on my pile of clothing. But, when I turned around to grab my shoes, Lucian had them in his hand. Wordlessly, he bent down on one knee and slipped my child-size boots onto my feet. He tied them for me, too. Double knots, perfectly even loops; clearly, he’d been getting a lot of practice tying small shoes.

Once Lucian finished, he stood and placed a hand on my shoulder. We held eye contact for a moment as his face inched toward mine. He went for my lips at first, then changed course, landing on my cheek with a hesitant kiss.

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