Page 43 of Please Hate Me

My protest was automatic. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the idea of eating a sandwich, especially one made by Lucian. From my memories, he was an amazing cook, and I had been craving any and all carbs. I wasn’t even worried about inconveniencing him. Instead, I felt intense guilt at the thought that Lucian might still like me.

“It wasn’t a question.”

Lucian grabbed a few things from the fridge. Tomatoes, spinach, and what I assumed was fresh mozzarella all appeared on the counter in front of me as Lucian turned to grab bread from a box on the other side of the room. On his way back to the island, he grabbed a cutting board and a serrated knife.

“Can I at least do it?” I asked as Lucian set his tools down.

He shot me an icy look as he placed a bowl-shaped loaf of bread on the board and sawed off two thick pieces.

“No.”

He popped the bread into a nearby toaster oven before moving on to the tomatoes. An awkward silence fell in the room, andI cleared my throat, hoping to break it. But, when that didn’t work, I had to talk.

“So… how have you been?”

Lucian stopped mid-slice on the tomato to glare at me. His gaze trained on mine, forcing me to look away as my skin started to tingle.

“If you wanted to know, you wouldn’t have left.” His words were barbed and cold; I knew I deserved every bit of the ice in his tone.

Was now a good time to tell him I left because of his dad? Or that I thought his world would be better without me? All I ever wanted was for everyone around me to live their dreams. My aspirations were malleable, just as long as everyone around me was happy.

“I’m sorry for that, by the way.” I picked at a loose string on the cuff of my hoodie.

A bark of Lucian’s laughter filled the kitchen like gunfire.

“Excuse me?” He snorted.

“For leaving—”

“You should be. I hope you regret it for the rest of your life.” Lucian was sure of himself, but he hadn’t let me finish.

No part of me regretted leaving. I was a plague. I regretted not giving him and Sophia closure. If I had, maybe they wouldn’t still be hung up on me.

“Do you have any idea how terrible my life has been since you left?” he continued.

I shook my head.

“Cool, so here are the ways you fucked up my life, in chronological order. First, you broke my heart in front of my fucking dad, which caused my anxiety to get worse...”

I tried to tune out Lucian’s ramblings. I didn’t enjoy hearing that I caused his addiction, that I gave him a crippling fear of abandonment, and God knows what else... But I liked that hewas telling me all this. It meant some part of him still cared about me.

Contrary to popular belief, hatred wasn’t the farthest thing from love; indifference was. Having Lucian care enough to tear me a new one meant my presence still had some pull on him. Besides, I’d rather be hated than loved. His hatred could only hurtme, whereas both of us were at risk if I loved him.

“–and now, you’re fuckingpregnantwith my fuckingboyfriend’s child.” Lucian finished his list of grievances before sliding me half a sandwich.

“Eat.”

My mouth watered as I stared down at the golden-brown bread filled with cheese and tomato. I swallowed hard as my hands shook with the urge to obey him.

Still, I shook my head. “That’s yours.”

Lucian grabbed his half of the sandwich and walked around the island to sit beside me. He popped open a can of diet soda, slurping it before picking up his lunch. The crust cracked as Lucian took a bite, licking his lower lip to collect the stray crumbs. He gestured for me to take a bite as he chewed.

“Feed the baby,” he mumbled through a full mouth.

I looked down at my swollen stomach before softly rubbing it as I tried to shake off the icy feeling sticking to my shoulders.

“She says she’s not hungry.”

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