Page 54 of Something Old

Did she go there with someone else?

Is that what she has been doing these past few weeks - meeting with someone new - cheating on me? And now she is meeting them in Hawaii for a romantic getaway?

Would she really be that cold?

Was I that much of an asshole that I pushed her that far?

Was I?

I slump down onto the chair near to me in front of the rows of monitors that are used to survey my property. My entire body feels limp and useless. My heart is pulling so tight in my chest I wonder if this is what a heart attack feels like. But I know it’s just pain. Emotional pain.

Because I can’t lie and tell myself Iwasn’tthat cruel.

I was.

I was a complete dickhead.

I was nasty and cold, and I pushed her away so effectively that it worked.

I achieved what I was planning on achieving - except by the time it worked I wanted something different. I want her. I want my wife.

“Sir? Masaccio?” Nathan sounds worried as he leans closer to me. He reaches out and grabs my shoulder, squeezing hard. “Masaccio. Are you ok?”

“Um - yeah. I’m - she went to Hawaii. She flew there last night.” I say, void of emotion.

“Oh.” Nathan says, looking unsure of what it all means.

I shake my head. “I need to be alone.” I say, standing up and leaving the security room.

I head into our bedroom. Stripping my sweatpants and T-shirt off I get into the shower. I need to think clearly, and a cold shower will help me do that.

Is there any chance of winning her back at this point?

I doubt it. If she has already met someone else - I really fucked up.

She was so into me when we first got together and for some reason that I don’t even understand I couldn’t even try to love her back.

I couldn’t even try to let her close to me.

I am a terrible person.

A monster of sorts.

My father was right about me - I have one purpose in life and that is to run the family business. I am not good for anything else.

I was not made to be loved - or to feel love.

The cold-water stings over my skin and creates a wave of goosebumps. I force myself to stand there, feeling the bite of the cold.

The best thing I can do for her at this point, and for myself, is to just let her do whatever she wants to.

I’ve already done enough damage. And I know I hurt her. That’s why she became so distant and off towards me.

I have hurt her enough to drive her into the arms of another man and now I am the one who is suffering.

It is the consequences of my own actions.

And I have to live with them.

---