Page 78 of Something New

I press my fingers against my tired eyes trying to push away the fresh worry that has crept into my mind. It’s not working. The only way I can stop this panic is to do a pregnancy test.

I get dressed in a hurry. Not caring about showering or putting on make-up. Shoving my hair up into a messy bun I grab my keys and bolt out of the door to run down the road to the drug store.

Looking up and down the street while I make my way there - I don’t spot him, but I can feel him.

I’m just being paranoid at this point. He’s not here, Nerissa. Let it go.

I want him here, though.

If I’m pregnant, it’s his baby and I don’t want to find out alone.

The lady at the counter is so friendly. She can tell how worried I am, and she reassures me it’s always a fright in the beginning, but no matter what the test results say it’ll be ok.

Another person telling me it’ll be ok.

Walking back to my apartment with the brown paper bag, gripping it in my fingers. I feel as though I am holding a giant red beacon - screaming the obvious to anyone who is watching - to him.

But I could have bought anything. Painkillers. Vitamins. I sigh and run up the stairs back into my apartment, slamming the door closed behind myself, I go straight into the bathroom to do the test.

There is no point in waiting - I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I need to know right now.

Even though my bathroom is so small and cramped, I am still pacing up and down it. Moving from side to side, counting in my head. Counting again. Minute by minute. I don’t dare peek at the test until the prescribed time is up. Because as soon as I see it, it’s official. It’s final and there is no going back.

I keep thinking to myself I must have mixed up the days or missed a pill somehow. Maybe I took it out of the sheet but didn’t take it. My head has been such a mess it wouldn’t surprise me.

The last-minute counts down in my mind and I freeze in place. I have to turn and look at it.

My eyes drift to the test and two very definite bright red lines on the small white window of the stick. I swallow. I breathe.

I wait for something to happen, but nothing does.

Reaching out I pick it up and stare at it some more.

I’m pregnant.

I have Tuomo’s baby growing in my belly.

I am going to be the mother of a Vece baby.

Tears stream down my cheeks. On top of everything else this is frightening. It’s a reality I didn’t even consider was possible. I thought I had all the right precautions in place. I was responsible and careful - but not careful enough. This is a massive fuck up.

And all I want right now is to phone Tuomo. I want him here with me, right now, holding me. I wanthimto tell me that everything is going to be ok.

I need it to be ok. Nothing is ok.

I carry the test through to my bed and sit on the edge, still staring at the results.

What am I supposed to do now?

The thought of telling him about this is too much to handle. I have to think.

I have to tell him, right? He’s going to be furious. I don’t think he is the type of man who wants children. It will be a burden onhis life - he’s going to be livid with me and I’m terrified of dealing with that again.

I stand up, walking over to the window and staring out in the street below. Where is he? I can feel him. Does he know? Did he see what I bought? No, that’s silly. He can’t have seen. I need to tell him, he should know.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Tuomo

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