“Do you have any condoms?” I asked.
“Shit no. I bet they have some at the shops downstairs.”
“I’m clean and on birth control. So if you’re clean, I’m okay with not using one.”
“I am. Honestly, it’s embarrassing to say, but it’s kind of been a long time for me.”
Could he be any more adorable? His vulnerability with me blew me away, especially as a guy his age and I felt myself falling deeper and deeper under his spell. “Me too.”
We kissed and kissed and as he lined himself up and plunged inside, the best feeling came over me. I felt complete. I felt whole.
It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before and I’d chase it for the rest of my life if only to feel it once more.
We didn’t sleep much that night either, unable to get enough of each other. As we watched the sun rise on my balcony, wrapped up together in one of my bed sheets, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind.
I loved this man.
I loved every part of this man.
It felt so right when all of the other times in my life it always felt so wrong.
But how could we ever work?
Because after all, it would never be anything more than a fantasy.
Regardless of howI knew this would all end, we spent the next two weeks attached at the hip. Through the Christmas holiday and into the New Year, we celebrated together and took part in all that the cruise had to offer. We tried spending time apart, him with his family and me relaxing in the spa, but in the end, we were back in each other’s arms as soon as possible.
I loved him, but I never told him so. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words, but I knew he felt the same way. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t shake the thought that admitting our feelings would only make everything worse.
One time, while making love, I heard him whisper those three little words, and as tears leaked from my eyes, I whispered them back. How would we part ways at the end? Would we find a way to make this work? Find a way to see each other? Or was I just fooling myself?
As we neared the end of the cruise, one of the last nights on the ship, we laid in each other’s arms for hours, talking and laughing and making love. We both tried to ignore the elephant in the room, but it was growing larger by the minute, and when I could no longer stand the suffocation, I blurted out the question I dreaded asking. “Will I ever see you again?”
Pierce sighed and kissed the top of my head, but he didn’t answer me.
My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt like I was going to be sick.
“Pierce?”
“Fuck, I don’t know, Z.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I want to, believe me, I do. But there’s so much logistics to work out. We don’t exactly live near each other.”
I sat up abruptly. “I knew this would go too far.” I stood and grabbed my robe from the chair.
Pierce leaned on one elbow. “Don’t be like that, Z. Come back to bed. Let’s talk about this.”
“What’s there to talk about? We both knew this wasn’t realistic. But I was stupid to let it go this far.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do! I was setting myself up for hurt and look, surprise, surprise, it happened.”
Pierce got out of bed and came up beside me. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. “No one is hurting each other. Look at me.”
My eyes met his, and I blinked back tears.