Page 51 of Make It Without You

“I guess it does.” I think of what to say that won’t leave either of us in limbo. So I try to settle for the next best thing, “Friends?”

“For now. Happy birthday, Emily.” Adams tells me.

“Thank you. Goodbye, Adam.”

“Bye.”

“You said,friends!? Friends!? I thought you wanted to wipe your hand across that line you drew?” Sarah is baffled after I tell them about my and Adam’s conversation on my birthday. We’re doing a girl’s night at Kamryn’s house since none of us felt like being around other people. Plus with Mason on a guy’s trip, Kamryn begged us to come to her house. Movie number three of our romantic comedy marathon is on in the background. It’s provided great sound and sight relief when needed.

It’s been a few weeks since then and I can’t stop thinking about that day and Adam. We still text daily, but I know he’s holding back because I made him.

“I got scared. He was saying all of the right things, but then I got scared.”

“Em, and that’s normal. What Sarah is trying and failing to say is that you’ve been on the cusp of wanting more with someone for the first time since James. And while it’s normal to be scared, you can’t run from something when it’s right in front of you.” Kam’s eyes roam over my face. I think she’s looking for something that’s not there. It must be the almost-psychologist in her. And when she doesn’t find it, she continues. “I know it might seem fast for you, but could you see Adam by your side in the near future?”

“I feel like I’m abandoning James if I say yes.” The admission hits harder than I expected it to.

Sarah gets up and sits on the coffee table in front of me, taking my hand in hers. “No one is saying you’re abandoning him, little bird. James is always going to be with you. And if Adam is the man that he’s presenting to you, then he’ll never let you forget him either. You deserve so much more happiness than you’re letting yourself have.”

Happiness is a feeling I didn’t know I could feel. Sure I’ve felt lighter in the sense that the grief I feel daily isn’t so heavy anymore. But happiness? That’s a feeling I long thought I could never feel.

I give the girls a grateful smile and they go back to chatting while I pull out my phone to text Adam.

Me: Hey.

Adam: Hey, yourself.

Me: Is this a bad time?

Adam: Not at all. I’m just watching one of the live bands we have tonight.

Adam: How are you?

Me: I’m good. I was doing some thinking.

Adam: Good or bad thinking?

I pull my attention off my phone and see the girls staring at me. My eyebrows raise in a ‘Yes?’ before they turn back to their conversation. But not before I see the smirks they throw at each other.

Me: Good thinking. About how lines should be wiped away.

I see the text bubbles pop up and disappear over and over before his response comes through.

Adam: Are you sure?

Me: Positive. But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared.

Adam: I promise to chase the doubt away.

His words light me up on the inside because it’s what I needed to hear to know that I’m making the right choice.

Me: Do you want some company at work?

Adam: I’ll be here until way after midnight.

Me: It’s spring break, so I have nothing but time.

Adam: Okay. Well, I’ll see you soon then.

---