Page 50 of Make It Without You

Me: What are you thinking about?

Adam: You.

He’s so sure of what he wants. It’s me that’s terrified. My girl's words ring in my head anytime he and I are talking. I’ve never been one for casual. It’s just not how I’m built.

My phone rings, pulling me out of my freakout. Adam. I answer it in the middle of the third ring. “Hey.”

“I freaked you out, didn’t I?”

I look out over the water, mulling over my words. “Maybe. Yeah.”

“Question before I get to anything else. Why aren’t you teaching today?”

“Oh, I always take the day off for my birthday.”

I always felt one’s birthday should be a personal holiday. So for as long as I was working, and I had the days, I took the day off. While the past birthdays have been a little bittersweet, they’ve been a day for me.

“Happy Birthday, Emily,” Adam responds softly.

“Thank you.”

“So what are your plans for your day?”

I do my best to keep my voice from cracking. “I’m not sure yet. I haven’t really loved celebrating my birthday these past couple of years.”

“And why is that?” I don’t detect any distaste in his question, just genuine curiosity.

“James, he loved birthdays. He would go all out for those he loved. But for me, he went to the moon.” I think back to my eighteenth birthday, walking into my room stuffed with balloons and pictures of us. “When he died, I never thought about my birthday until the day came. The first birthday after he passed,I had the day off and spent the whole day crying. I could turn a year older but he was stuck at twenty-six forever.”

Time is never your friend when you want it to be. It laughs in your face when you want it to slow down. It laughs in your face when you want it to speed up. Time is your enemy when you expect it to be your friend.

“Do you ever think you’ll ever love again?” Adam asks me.

It’s not an unfair question. I often wonder if I could love so easily before then what’s stopping me from doing so now? And it always comes back to fear.

“I want to,” my voice comes out in a whisper when the tears threaten to fall. “But I’m scared I’ll never have that again. The knowledge that the person you want wants you back. The knowledge that the love you share is unconditional. I’m scared that I’ll never experience the rush that comes with love.”

He clears his throat. “I think you’ll feel it again.”

“I’m scared of feeling it with someone new. And knowing that person is one I can’t have takes me right back to the starting line.”

Am I talking about James or Adam? At this point, I don’t know. Before James died, I never thought I’d have to be without him. Not just in the physical sense but in the emotional sense as well. The days go by and they turn into years. Every moment takes me away from him. From the life we shared. From the life we were creating.

The other side of the phone is quiet and I pull it away from my ear to see we’re still connected.

I break the silence, “Did I scare you?”

“No, Emily. You didn’t scare me. I want you to be comfortable sharing the uncomfortable with me. Can I…can I see you today?”

“Adam…I’m still your son's teacher. And as much as I want to explore whatever this could be with you, I have to think about my career. For the first time in my life I have to put myself first.”

He’s quiet on the other end. I don’t want to reject him. It twists something inside of me to do so. He’s the first man to make me want more after James.

“Are you this hard on all of your friends?” His question comes out teasing, although I detect a little bit of hurt from my saying no.

I pick at a piece of lint on the blanket that’s covering my legs. “You and I both know friendship is the last thing we’d want.”

“Well, Ms. Bailey, I guess this leaves us at an impasse.”

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