Page 40 of Make It Without You

“Well, why not?” Kamryn asks me.

“For one, he’s my student's father. And two, maybe I’m not ready to date anyone.”

Sarah places her hand on mine. “Sweetie, no one is saying you have to commit to another man right away. Just have some fun. All you do is work, hang out with us, and spend time with your cat.”

“Hey! Leave Biscuit out of this.” I defend my cat who can’t defend herself. Sarah’s eyebrows raise as if sayingSee?and I know it’s a lost cause. “How do I even do this? I haven’t had to date-date in a long time.”

“What did you and James do?” Jax chimes in.

“We went to ice cream or had movie marathon dates.” Those were some of the best dates of my life.

I see them all confused.

“What? We were kids with no licenses. What else were we supposed to do? Being with him was so easy. Being with him was effortless. Nobody put pressure on us to go above and beyond what our relationship was.”

I think that’s what scares me. James and Iwereeffortless. And to start over with someone in my twenties was not something I had envisioned in my life plan.

“James would want you to be happy. You know that, right?” Kamryn tells me as if I don’t already know this.

My eyes water at the mention of him wanting me to be happy. To that exact conversation we had after we got engaged.

“What is it, honey?” Sarah asks.

“The night we got engaged, he said that if anything happened to him, he’d want me to be happy. He wanted to prepare me to make it without him if that ever happened. And I was so mad that he brought up something like the after when we were celebrating our present.” I feel my lips tremble as I remember that moment so clearly.

Kamryn clasps her hand with mine and waits until I’m facing her. “Maybe James somehow knew that you’d need early reassurance if anything ever happened to him. Em, you are one of the strongest people I know. Yeah, these last few years have been a bitch to get through. But you’ve done it with the poise and grace I saw in you when you were fourteen. You deserve all the happiness that you can hold onto. And James would want that for you.”

Later that nightI’m sitting on my balcony with a glass of wine on the table to my right and citronella candles lit around me. Lana Del Rey on vinyl floats through the open windows as Biscuit is curled in my lap. I’ve been staring at my unlit phone screen, just waiting for the wine to loosen my brain.

After the parent-teacher conference, I programmed Adam’s number into my phone as a precaution. Following dinner, my pro-cons list is battling for victory in my head.

“Just do it, Emily. What’s the worst that could happen?” Talking to myself is a terrible sign. But here goes nothing.

Me: Hey. It’s Emily.

Me: Dylan’s teacher.

It’s not even hot out here and I’m sweating. How do people do this on the regular? Why hasn’t he responded? Is he working? I’m so not cut out for this. I’m about to type out another reply, but my phone lights up with a message from him.

Adam: Hi, Dylan’s teacher.

Me: Is this a bad time?

Adam: Not at all. Just making another list for what needs repurchasing.

Me: What all does that entail?

Adam: Retail, liquor, seasonal menus…things like that.

Adam: But hearing about my list isn’t what you texted me for, is it?

Me: No. It’s not.

Adam: I have time.

Me: Do you maybe wanna get coffee one morning?

Goodness, I’m terrible at this.

---