Page 31 of Make It Without You

I tune back into Kamryn’s phone call. “Liam, what are you doing?! That’s not what I want! Liam stop the truck!” Kamrynyells into the phone. Fear takes hold of me as the realization that Liam’s erratic driving with James in the truck is a recipe for disaster.

I whip out my phone to text James again. The tears in my eyes make it hard to see.

Me: Baby.

Me: Please get him to stop.

Me: James, I don’t have a good feeling about this.

Me: Please get him to stop the truck!

Me: You prepared me years ago, but I’m not ready.

Me: I love you too much to live in this world without you.

“Liam please!” Kamryn pleads with him,begshim to stop the truck. “I want you in my life. I need you in my life, just not like this!”

I can’t stop the tears that are streaming down my face as I hear the back and forth of a volatile argument that James and I unknowingly got dragged into.

“Liam stop the truck!” I glance at Kamryn’s face and see it’s gone ghostly white. The phone falls out of her hand. Clattering to the floor.

It’s then that I know.

As the shock turns to numbness.

When I’m sure that the string that tethered us together is now severed.

Without anyone telling me.

That the love of my life is no longer a part of my world.

Emily

Isit in the pew between Brandon and my mom. It’s been five days since James was taken from this world.

Five days since I’ve taken a full breath.

Five days since I saw his boyish smirk that I fell in love with at fourteen.

I’ve been in a state of complete disbelief and denial that I’ll never see him again. That the happily ever after that we were so close to having was taken away.

Fading into the nether of the almost.

I hate that word.

Almost.

And as I sit with silent tears trailing down my face, I stare at his closed casket and I think about our ‘almost’. Our almost happily ever after.

My mind takes me back to the moment at the hospital. Seeing his handsome face and the jawline that I traced countless times covered in scars. I begged and pleaded for him to wake up. For him to push through the sedation they had him under because of the pain. But the begging and pleading fell into the abyss as his body slowly let go.

When my focus shifts back to the church, I see the priest looking expectantly at me. My heart drops as I walk the few steps up to the podium. I unfold what would have been our vows. I didn’t plan to speak. But the Hayes family deserves it.

I deserve it.

“Hi,” I weakly start. “I didn’t have a big speech planned because I never planned for this to happen. If you don’t know, my name is Emily. James and I were set to marry in a few months.” I clench my teeth as the tears well up and slide down my face in two fast tracks. “And instead of letting these words that I planned to say to him on our wedding day never see the light of day, I figured it would be best to say them today.”

I wipe away the fallen tears and tuck my hair behind my ears. “James, today is the day that I officially become yours. From white clover bracelets to wedding rings, we have been through it all. Thank you, for talking to me on that first day of school. Neither of us knew it but that was the beginning of us. You’ve made a lot of promises for our life together but now it’s my turn. I vow to always stock the freezer with Oreo ice cream. I vow to buy the largest blankets for us to cuddle under for movie nights. I vow to never go to bed angry with you. I vow to grow old with you. I vow to love you until I can’t anymore. James Michael Hayes, I vow to be your partner in life, the mother of your children, and the best friend that you will ever have. Today is the day that the rest of our lives begin and I’m so happy it’s with you.”

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