Page 71 of The Night We Met

For weeks, the sound of that phone call played on a constant loop. I couldn’t drive that stretch of the highway without hyperventilating. Anytime I heard the phone ring, my mind would flashback to that day. For weeks, I isolated myself by replaying mine and Liam’s last interaction. If I stopped asking him the big questions, would he have responded with big answers?

Some days the ‘what if’ narrative that plagues me when my thoughts go dark, I wonder if my actions during that time of my life could have been different.

If I let the ‘what if’s’ haunt me, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

What if. What if. What…if.

If I had let the ‘what if’s’ win, my brand would still besomething written on pages. The pages slowly yellowing until they were just dreams on pages. I would have never been able to find investors to take a chance on me. I would have never had the success that I do now. So I can’t focus on the ‘what if’s’, because I wouldn’t have what I do now.

But most days are like today.

I’m indifferent to how I’m feeling and to those around me. My mind is not a healthy place to be most of the time. I work on it weekly with my therapist. She is confident that one day life will just glow again. I’ve had it once and I hope that I can have it again.

There are several ways in which my life has changed. I don’t visit CSU anymore, even though being a Kappa Beta alumna, it’s highly encouraged that alumni visit once a year. But I just can’t do it. I haven’t sung in public since after Liam died. I stopped doing a lot of things he and I used to do together. A lot of things I did in my daily life were tied to my bond with Liam. The past me and the me now, are two completely different people. But isn’t that just part of growing up? Isn’t that just life?

Jax turns down the music, breaking me from my not so upbeat thoughts. “You know Kam, I really wish you’d reconsider going away with me for a while. Maybe you could take some time off. Come with me to volunteer. I think it would really be good for you. Or even just a vacation. You could use it.”

“I don’t know Jax,” I chance a glance at her and then focus back on the road. “It’s not that easy for me to go out of the country. And I’ve got stuff here I need to work on.”

A vacation? I’m trying to remember the last time I did that? Maybe college if I’m being honest. Or even a few years after that. The encouragement to sit and relax with mythoughts now sounds less and less like something I would enjoy.

On top of running my brand, I have other behind the scenes deals and meetings that require me to stay in the states. Meetings and deals that have been lined up weeks and sometimes months in advance, aren’t something I can easily reschedule. If I wish for my brand to be recognized for more than just clothes, but the message that I hope it spreads, then I can’t just leave the country for some rest and relaxation.

In order for my brand to be successful, I have my short-term goals and long-term goals. The short-term goals are what keep me focused. The long-term goal is what I hope to cross off when my company reaches ten years. For my brand to reach not just the wealthier clientele, but the working class that pinch pennies, I’m heavily involved in my brand's social media. I take all of the feedback, whether it’s positive or negative, and apply that to my work.

Twice a month we hold events that cater to giving sewing lessons at the local women's shelters in the area and clothing drives. I told myself that when my brand got to a certain status, I would give back. It took a few months for the events to gain traction. But with the help of social media and news channels covering the events, we’ve expanded more than I could have dreamed.

When my company continued getting more noticeable, and not just by the locals here, influencers reached out with praise for what I’m doing with the clothes I was designing. It was a tough decision on my part, but I added influencers to my PR team along with a handful of the working class. I didn’t want unattainable expectations to be why my clothes don’t sell. So my PR team gets a perfect mix of high-end and affordableclothing.

I’m always busy and trying to find the best way to not lose sight of why I love my job. But like I said, some days I’m just indifferent to the world around me.

Jax scoffs unladylike. “Kamryn, that is the biggest line of bullshit. You just got back from Fall Fashion Week, your Spring line is complete, and you’re already months ahead on your next fall line. You’re like a robot. Still going through the motions. What is really keeping you here that you can’t pause for a couple of weeks?”

I swallow past the lump in my throat and focus on the road. “Don’t push me Jax. Other people depend on me. I don’t ask you to stop your work, so please don’t ask me to stop my work.” I manage to get out exasperated.

I’m not good at just leaving whenever. Moving out here was already a big step. I was settled in my little cottage. My job worked for me. I knew what times to leave my house to avoid traffic, and the same for when I left for my college teaching class. I thrive on a routine and to just pause that for however long someone wants me to, makes it easy for my anxiety to take over.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me about what happened Kam, but maybe text one of Liam’s friends and see if they’ll talk to you.” Jax suggested.

What my sister doesn’t know is that I already tried that. I reached out to Chance as he and Liam were the closest. That conversation didn’t go well. Understandably though. He was upset with the loss of his best friend. I was the easiest target so he verbally took out his anger on me. Not that I blame him as I kept my anger bottled up.

Have I really let it out? Or did I just stuff it away in a little box and hope it never resurfaced? The resurfacing option is the best bet. I haven’t opened that can of wormssince that day. And I refuse to do that with my sister around. She doesn’t deserve anymore of my wrath.

“Can we please talk about something else? Rehashing the past is the last thing I want to do, today of all days. I just want a fun night out with you and my best friends and to forget for a while.” I frustratedly tell my sister.

“Okay, Kamryn,” My sister reluctantly agrees and turns the music back up.

I love my sister, don’t get me wrong. But there were just so many other things that I never told her about what happened between me and Liam. I think to everyone we looked to be the perfect couple. But we had our issues. Most couples do; they just don’t broadcast it to the world. With me and Liam, commitment was our biggest issue. Most people think tying yourself to one person isn’t the most important thing in the world. Some people are wired for that lifetime commitment. Some people are not wired for lifetime commitment to one person. I’m that person who’s wired to be committed to someone for a lifetime.

Still I can’t help but dwell on the past and wonder what would have happened had Liam and I not shared that kiss in the cafeteria. Would he and I have maintained the brother-sister relationship? Would we have unconsciously drifted towards one another? Or would I always have that ‘what if’ thought lingering in my head? I think unconsciously he and I were always going to be drawn to the other. We became each other's safe spaces.

It was never strange to me that I had a best friend of the opposite sex. I can’t say the same for other people. Because Liam and I never had the need to try to date as we already spent most of our time together. Which is the natural progression anyone in our position would have taken. Somehow any time either of us tried to date in high school,the other person would and could never measure up. After a while, those relationships would shrivel up leaving it just Liam and I again. But when my hand was forced in college, I knew…something just clicked. I went into our FWB arrangement with the intention to test our physical compatibility. The hotter we burned the quicker we fizzled.

Some days I try to picture where and what my life would look like if he were still alive. Would he have been called up? Would he have proposed to me? Would we have moved out here? I have so many unanswered questions that float through my mind on a daily basis. The ‘what if’s’ that plague me when the silence in my mind gets to be too much. It’s those continual questions that leave the rest of our drive strained.

We get to the restaurant with the sound of the radio breaking up the silence. I hate having disagreements with my sister. Especially when we’re set to have a celebratory night on the town.

“Jax, I’m sorry,” I tell her when we park.

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