Page 68 of The Night We Met

Grief makes you feel things. It makes you uncover those long-forgotten emotions. Tapping into whatever pain that threatens to unweave your carefully structured life.

Grief seeps deep into your body until that’s all you know.

I don’t know how long I laid on my couch with tears slowly flowing when I heard the doorbell ring. When I didn’t answer it after a minute a soft knock followed.

“Kamryn. It’s Emily,” She announces softly from the other side of the front door.

I sit up and look at the door like it might explode at any second. When she knocks on the door again, I find myself standing up to open the door. With a final encouraging breath, I open the door and see Emily. And when I see her, the tears start all over again and I crumple in on myself. Emily comes in and closes the door before hugging me and crying for all that we’ve lost.

“I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. I should’ve seen it.” I manage to say through choked sobs.

Emily shakes her head. “No it’s not Kam. You were not his fixer. You didn’t make Liam get into his truck. You didn’t make James follow Liam into his truck either. They were both their own people. Neither you nor I could have predicted that would have happened. Liam should’ve made the decision to get help on his own. You were not his caretaker. Again, you were not his fixer. You were only his girlfriend.”

I nod my head because I know she’s right, but that still doesn’t stop the guilt from nagging at me. I wipe my eyes with leftover tears before I say something to my friend. “That’s why I haven’t talked to you since it happened. I carry so much responsibility because you two were supposed to get married soon. And because of mine and Liam’s problems, that got taken away from you. I’m so sorry.” I say through a tight throat.

Emily shakes her head with tears in her eyes. “Stop apologizing. Yes, James was my soulmate and one true love. I’ll miss what I was supposed to have with him. And I don’t know if I’ll ever have that with someone else. But he wouldn’t want me wallowing in his loss. I know that he’d want me to live my life and be happy. I know Liam would want the same for you. So let’s move past this, Kam. We have to move past this. We’re both young, and it’s not going to be easy; but we can do it. Not just for them, but for us.”

Anger

For the last few months, I have been seeing my therapist on a consistent basis. It was hard at first for me to let out all that I was feeling about losing Liam. In my sessions I was eithercrying, or silent and watching the clock tick away; or my mind was just empty. My therapist thought that it’d be good for me to go and visit Liam’s grave. Tell him all that I had been telling her. That even though I might feel dumb for sitting and talking to a rock, that he’s actually listening. So that’s where I’m at now.

It wasn’t hard for me to find Liam. It’s weird, but even in death I’m drawn to him. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve known someone your whole life…have even loved them your whole life.

When I walk up to the grave I place some fresh flowers down. Nothing too girly because I know he wouldn’t like it. I look down at his grave for a few seconds and then take a seat in front of him.

“I know I should’ve come a long time ago. I just couldn’t. It’s been too hard on me. But I’m guessing you already knew that.” I take a cleansing breath to get my thoughts back in order. “I’ve been seeing our therapist again. Which has actually been good for me. She said that instead of me venting all of my frustrations out on you to her, I should just come to you. But isn’t that what therapy is for? They ask the questions, and I answer them?” I huff out a bitter laugh.

I look across the cemetery. The leaves sporadically, falling as if the dearly departed are sending silent messages to their loved ones on earth.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this Liam. We were supposed to grow old together. Be happy. Have kids and a marriage. A lifelong friendship. But you were just so damn selfish…ignorant. You refused to get the help you knew you needed. And you took your life and James’ life. You took Emily’s fiancé away from her. You took another family’s son and brother and grandson away from them.”

I take another shaky breath in before slowly releasing it. “I just wanted you to know that I’m so mad at you. I’m still mad at you. And I’m hurt. And angry. Why, Liam? Why did you think it would be so easy for me if you weren’t around anymore? Is it because you knew you couldn’t give me what I wanted? Because I have the ring you were going to propose to me with. How long were you going to wait? Did you not think I would have said yes? Did you not think you were good enough? I would have said yes. You knew this. You knew I wanted this with you. I loved you more than anything Liam. You put me back together when I thought I would have been broken forever.” I take a cleansing breath. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to yell at you. I do want to say that I will wear the ring. Your ring. It is everything I imagined it to be. I’ll wear it for as long as I can. And then I’ll be moving on. I need to try to move on. By letting you go. One day I’ll bring my kids here and tell them about you. I may even introduce you to my future husband. Although I know that’s a far way away now. I’ll love you forever Liam. Goodbye.”

Acceptance

Emily was right. The next few months were not easy in any way. In fact, the rest of the year was anything but easy. I got through the hardest period of my life. It was a slow start, but I did it. I buried myself in restarting my company. Sarah and Jax made sure to be there for Emily and me whenever we needed them. I haven’t talked to Liam’s parents sincethey came to my house that day all those years ago. And I’ll admit that things got pretty dark for a while.

I wore the engagement ring that Liam picked out for me for about a year afterward. But when I was talking to my therapist, she suggested that it wasn’t healthy. But that I shouldn’t rush moving on like that. When I finally took the ring off, I had an emergency session with her. I figured she’d be better to go to than to go to a bar; which I still did.

I still have periods of time when I just lock myself in my house and cry. I’m told that’s normal.

During that grieving period, my therapist told me to find joy in what I love to do. Fashion was my one outlet years ago, so she said that putting my grief and work together may help. And it did. With the endless encouragement from my family and friends, my brand took off. I named it Ryn & Co., which is what Liam used to say when my sorority sisters and I would go anywhere together. It’s a bit like having him with me.

But for now, I’m still riding the high of finishing my third New York Fashion Week. I’m hearing great things about the line from critics, but now it’s time to start putting the finishing touches on my spring line for its debut.

They say that time heals old wounds. But what about the new wounds? Or what about the old wounds that never truly healed? They just had a layer of tissue paper on them. I always knew that time and love were finicky things. I just never knew how finicky.

Part 2

Mason - Age 29

June 2019

“You’re being traded Brooks,” My coach announces as soon as I sit in his office.

Not what I expected on a Tuesday morning.This sudden news has me more off guard than it should. I’ll need to rip into my agent for not keeping me in the loop.

“When? And I didn’t know there was any talk of a trade,” I utter getting a little ticked off.I’m trying to mask my hurt, but I feel it’s coming off more like a child whining.

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