Page 62 of The Night We Met

We’ve been doing this routine for the past two weeks. I ask about his day and then all of it stops. After I change intosomething comfortable I come back out to see him in that same spot. With the same focus on the game instead of me.

“Have you given any thought to what I suggested?” I tread lightly because as the days have gone by, Liam has gotten more and more withdrawn. Not just from me and our relationship, but all of his motivation has seemed to have left him.

“No.”

“Liam, it’s better than nothing.”

“It’s a pity thought.” He bites out.

Huffing out an unamused laugh. “No it isn’t. I’d rather you do that, than me come home and see you in that exact spot. I don’t want to be in the eye of the storm if you don’t get the call that you’re hoping for. But maybe if you’d get off your butt and help someone other than yourself, you might get the call that you want.”

He’s looking at me like I lost my mind, “Says the woman that’s teaching instead of designing.”

“You think this is what I want to do for the rest of my life too? No. But I have to do something before getting to the big stuff. You don’t get that. Nobody hits it out of the park on their first at bat.”

“I do. I was destined for the majors.”

“You promised!” I yell. “You promised that we wouldn’t push the other away if our dreams didn’t come true.”

“I was destined for the majors,” He repeats, “And sometimes promises are meant to be broken.”

That’s a slap to the face. He’s not worth the tears that are threatening to break free. “Then do something about it! Do something to get noticed by the scouts. Because I can promise you that wallowing around here is not the way to do that. I will not dim my light just so you can shine. I won’t do it Liam.”

It’s been six months since I had that fight with Liam. He got a call to join a farm team, but he turned that down. Sarah and I told him it was the stupidest decision that he ever made. It led to the biggest fight that we ever had. And for a month straight he moped around the apartment. He called out of work and didn’t help out around the apartment. I remember what I told him because it’s still so fresh in my mind. The boy I loved is slipping away from me, and I have no idea how to keep him here.

I came home from work more frazzled than ever. That day the students were more intolerable than before. I had endless meetings and all I wanted and the last thing I wanted to do was come home.

“Liam…I cannot live like this.” Pushing away my still full dinner plate, frustration and exhaustion coats every word. I’m so tired. I’m mad. I feel like I’ve failed in my personal life and the one person I thought would be present to assure me I haven’t failed, is focusing on his own failure.

He barely spares me a glance before going back to his phone. “Like what?”

“Like this…” I point around the apartment and then point a finger at him. “I swear if you don’t get your life together in one week, I’m out. I’m done. Because I refuse to support you like this.”

I stormed out of the apartment after that. It appeared to work. He called the sister high school for the middle school I worked for and started as a TA. He wasn’t exactly thrilled, but when the baseball coach approached him for help he didn’t turn it down. I guess you could say things are getting better for him. For me. For us.

Kamryn – Age 25

February 2017

“Liam, where do you see us?” I ask him while we’re lying in the bed of his truck.

We have a rare warm night and Liam called me asking if I’d like to watch the night sky with him. I can see the stars so clearly out here. The sound of crickets chirping the soundtrack to our night.

This spot became a bit of a safe place for us. It was the one spot where we could see the sun rise and the sun set. But tonight this night is buzzing with anticipation. Because despite there being no clouds in the night sky, I can’t see the stars. I can’t see the moon. Gone is the dreamer that’s stayed in a stagnant spot.

I guess I thought that once Liam and I solidified things it’d be smooth sailing. I expected the bumps in the road, because no relationship is smooth sailing. But once the MLB never called him things went kind of downhill. Sure, he’s had offers from Triple A and the minors, and he’s even coaching, but it’s ‘not the same’. Sarah and I have both told him to take the offers they give him. But with no guarantee, it was never enough for him. I think that baseball is baseball.Every major league baseball player has started with a farm team.

“I remember that night so clearly,” my voice is thick with emotion as I speak. “You said you see a future with me, but when I bring it up you shrink back? Why?”

He runs his hands down his face out of frustration and pushes himself up to a seated position. He hangs his head and drapes his arms on his knees. “Why do you do this Kamryn? We’ve been together what, four years?” I nod and he continues. “So why do you keep pushing a future and marriage with us? I thought things were good for us?”

I think about what he’s asking from me and I come up with no reason as to why he’s suddenly slowing down. I feel completely duped.

“Are you kidding me right now?!” I sit up from where I was laying down. “One of the reasons we’re together is because you promised you’d give me that happily ever after that I dreamed of. You promised! I spent a year with someone who pushed me aside for his dream. I never thought I’d relive that again. Sacrificing my dreams just because yours aren’t coming true is selfish. So why do I keep pushing for marriage? Because you promised. Because you made me, me again. Because you made me see a future past the day-to-day life I was living. For the longest time I didn’t think I’d get me back. But with you I did. With you I was beginning to see that happily ever after I had always hoped for.” I'm exhausted.

I thought we were getting somewhere. I thought we were both moving towards that path together. When we had that big blowup fight a couple years ago, we went to therapy. Ultimately, we were advised that having separate living arrangements would be for the best. It worked for us. I found a cute little cottage that became my safe space. Westarted going on dates again. Liam started wooing me again. The butterflies that had vacated my body returned with vengeance. I fell in love with him all over again. The harder he re-pursued me, the easier it was to ignore our bigger plans.

We focused on the then and now. Not really giving marriage a second thought. But in the midst of our falling back in love, that picture was beginning to look clearer and clearer. That the future I had firmly in my grasp was solid. The words I thought were just words, were finally backed up with actions. Liam wooed me. Yet it seemed like he hid even the deepest part of him from our therapist and me.

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