Page 54 of The Night We Met

“Hi, sister.”

“Kam! Those songs. Why would you do that to yourself?”

I stop in my tracks. She knows why those songs are special to me. An unexpected sob escapes me before I have a chance to answer her. “I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.”

“I thought you were doing better?” After a beat of silence, she speaks up again. “Maybe it’s time you talk to someone.”

Talk to who? A shrink that would just tell me that it’s okay to feel the feelings. That it’s okay to mourn what almost was? Almost. That’s such a heartbreaking word.

“I’ll think about it. I’m gonna go. Bye, Jax.”

“Bye, Kam.”

I continue the walk back to campus with tears streaming down my face. Maybe my sister is right. Maybe I do need to talk to someone. But that means finallyopening all the way up. And I’ve done a fine job of mashing down those feelings this past summer.

The rest of the week passes by in a blur. Thankfully none of my sorority sisters have talked about my performance. Either that or Sarah got to them first. But that didn’t stop the rest of campus from talking about it. Everywhere I walked I heard the whispers“She sang those songs for him”or“Look how broken she still is”or my favorite yet“Move on already, he has”.

That last one really hurt. Since this is such a large campus, you’d think that people would bypass those observations. Or find something else to talk about entirely. But not at this campus. Hearing the part about him moving on threatened to split me open right on the spot. I haven’t kept tabs on him. But considering that my mind goes to him more than I’m allowed to say, I probably should. He’s allowed to move on. I should have. But the idea of moving on, after planning our future together…the thought of doing so cripples me.

I don’t know if I can love like that again. I don’t know if I can give my heart to someone fully like I did before. I cry too much. Most of the time I’m numb. And I hate it. At least if I could feel, that’d be better than feeling nothing.

Kamryn

August 2013

It’s the Saturday after playing at the bar with Liam, and Sarah and I are walking down the solo-cup-littered street towards the party. You knowtheparty of the year. “So planning on kissing anyone tonight Kam?”

She asks me this question every time. Well, she didn’t have a chance to ask me our sophomore year because...yeah. She didn’t ask me last year since I never left the sorority house. So I think this is her way of getting back into the swing of things.

It’s mind-blowing how fast these four years flew by. Does anyone have a time machine to where I can go back?

I look at her shocked because she’s never this bold with her questioning. “No. I think I’m done dating. Besides, no one here is catching my eye.” I end on a secret confession.

I also may just be a little tipsy. Another thing that I’ve hidden from people is how much I’ve started to drink. But since this frat party is basically booze fest I blend right in.

Back to Sarah’s inquisition. The truth is that I don’t plan on kissing anyone. After the bar debacle, avoiding the male species is exactly what I need to do.

“Look,” Sarah starts. “I’m not saying date anyone, but I don’t know why you don’t just kiss—” But she’s cut off abruptly when we see Liam standing there looking at me differently while his frat buddies cheer on some random partiers. It’s been like this since our summer run-in and that unfateful day at the bar.

“Okay, why aren’t you guys together again? Because the way he’s looking at you, is so not in the friendship type of way. I noticed it three years ago and I’m noticing it now. Kamryn, he is into you.” Sarah points out.

For the past week, when Liam and I did somehow cross paths, he became who he was during our first year here. Only I’m seeing things with a new set of eyes. Lingering glances here. Prolonged touches there. Do I think Liam’s attractive? ABSOLUTELY!! Even when I wasn’t single, that fact remained. Do I want to risk our extremely fragile friendship again for something that might fizzle out again? NO! We already crossed that bridge once and it completely backfired. I cherish him more than anything.

He can’t be the Band-Aid that magically tries to heal me. I think our not speaking all last year is proof of that. He and I both deserve better than that. But just maybe I can attempt to get back on the horse.

Liam has respected the friendship line that I have so firmly drawn in the sand. So why do I get the feeling that someone’s about to cross it?

“I told you,” I stress as we rush past Liam and his friends, “I don’t want to risk a repeat of freshman year. It was complicated enough with us being best friends. But throwing sex into that mix amped the complication factor up. And I’m just getting him back, I don’t wanna ruin that.” My back burns with the intensity of his gaze as I hurry us past them.

“I get that Kam, I really do. But you know how he feels about you. Everyone knows how he feels about you. Why not just take the plunge? For real this time? Maybe it could work out and this would be what you need?” My best friend asked me thoughtfully.

“I just…can’t.”

It’s not that I’m scared of Liam. It’s that I’m scared of more. I’m scared of putting myself out there for the next person to emotionally crush me. But that’s what crushes do, right? They crush you from the inside out leaving nothing but your former self in its wake when it does pass.

Thirty-minutes later with another almost empty cup, I’m leaning against the wall watching a game of beer-pong, when the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Liam. He’s one of the few guys my body is acutely aware of.

“I thought I might find you here Rynny,” Liam says as he uses my nickname for him. He also uses it when he’s been drinking. He’s standing so close to me that I can feel the heat of his body and smell his cologne. To distract myself, I tip my head back to finish the last of my drink then turn to face him. I haven’t looked this close into his eyes in almost three years.

---