Page 26 of Crossed Lines

He tells me to hurry up and get ready before throwing on the hoodie, grabbing his sports bag, and slipping out of the apartment.

Something heavy settles over my shoulders. I’d told him whatever happened between us was just for the bet, but now I’m not sure how true that is. I like touching Spencer and being touched by him. I miss his inability to bake, the blue fire of his eyes, his kind words and even kinder hands.

We haven’t gone this long without really speaking to each other in years. Even during winter breaks, I usually hang out with him, like hiking the mountain near Harper with our college friends or going Christmas shopping together.

We’re more than just teammates or roommates. Sometimes, I think I need him like I need to breathe.

Hall and Howard come as a pair, do not separate. And I’ve separated us, all because I didn’t want to see what was in front of my eyes this entire time. I like Spencer Hall more than as a friend.

Aguy.But at this point, I don’t think I can say I’m surprised. I’ve never felt more alive than when he was touching me. Not with any girl I’ve kissed before.

Maybe I’m bisexual, or maybe it’s just Spencer that makes my heart race a million miles an hour, it doesn’t matter. All I know is I can’t go on like this, living in this weird limbo between friends and whatever we had going on.

Without Spencer, it’s like I’m missing half of myself.

*

The stadium is alive and bustling by the time our coach arrives, despite the match not being for at least a few more hours. Spencer’s mood doesn’t improve; he’s irritable with everyone, but he doesn’t snap like I would’ve expected even days ago. It’s like something’s holding him back.

Still, I can tell the loss of his lucky cleats weighs heavily on him. The urge to hold him and comfort him sweeps through me, but from the way his face goes blank when our eyes meet, I know that’s a lost cause.

I don’t get to do that, not anymore. I made sure of it.

Junseo finds me in the locker room a few hours before kick-off, my head between my legs, trying to breathe through the nerves. He takes one look at me before plopping down on the bench.

“You alright?”

“Never better,” I say between my knees.

“Usually, when you get like this you’ve got Spencer flapping around at your side.” He pauses, then places a hand on my shoulder. “Did something happen between you guys?”

I don’t know if it’s the stress of game day, or maybe Spencer’s anxiety rubbing off on me, but my carefully-built tower of defenses crumbles at the question.

“It’s nothing,” I start, but before I know it the words are tumbling out of me. Sitting up properly, I run a hand over my curls as I talk.

“—And now he won’t even look at me.”

“Fuck.”

“What?”

Junseo groans. “I owe Ryan twenty bucks.”

“You guys bet on us?”

“Not really,” he says hastily at the look on my face. “Me and Ryan caught you two leaving the same room at my party. I told him nothing’s going on but you know how Ryan is.”

The biggest gossip in all of Oregon. If he weren’t a goalie, he’d be a great tabloid columnist—the kind that make up stuff about celebrities. It’s not malicious or anything, he just likes the drama of it all. And if there’s one thing about Spencer and I, it’s that we’re dramatic.

Shaking my head, I push that topic of discussion away for another time. Right now, I’m about to lose my best friend. “Can you please focus?”

“Sorry, sorry.” He raises his hands in surrender. “Did you mean what you said to him?”

Groaning, I thump my head against the row of lockers behind us. A day ago, I would have said yes, that nothing’s more important than winning these semi-finals. Now, I’m not so sure.

Scratch that. I know what it’s like not to have Spencer with me at all times, and it is hell. I want him back in more ways than one.

“But he clearly doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

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