Page 96 of Kingmakers, Year One

And here’s the most ironic part of all. Yes, it makes me fucking burn with jealousy to see the two of them together. To see them walk hand in hand across the commons. To see him put his palm on the small of her back or trail the back of his fingersdown her cheek. And when he kisses her . . . I’ve never been closer to murder.

But the thing I miss most of all is my best friend.

I never realized how much of every day centered around Anna. She was the first one I told my news to, the person I most wanted to impress. When I’d tell a joke, I’d look at her to see if she laughed. If I wanted to go for a run, or get something to eat, or go exploring, I always had her by my side. If I needed advice, or comfort, she was the only one I’d trust to give it. She knew me. She knew my whole history, and exactly who I was. She can’t be replaced.

I spend most of my time with Ares now. And he’s a good friend, don’t get me wrong. But he’s not Anna.

I never realized how lonely a day can be. I’m surrounded by friends and classmates, but that’s all they are. Nothing more.

Anna sits by Dean now, or with the two other female Freshman Heirs, Chay and Zoe. She eats lunch with them, and dinner.

We’re not enemies—she’s polite to Ares and me when she sees us. But polite is almost worse than hateful. Because there’s no passion in it. No sense of care. There’s a barrier between us now. I can see her, but not feel her. It hurts so fucking bad to be this close to her, and yet so far away.

My parents can tell something’s wrong. When I call them on the weekend, they can hear that all the joy has gone out of my voice.

This last Sunday, my dad left the call to answer the doorbell when it rang, and my mom said, “Leo,milyy,tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Mom,” I said. “I’m doing well in school. My grades are picking up. I’ve gotten back to lifting most mornings. I’ve even been eating salads. You’d be proud of me.”

“I amalwaysproud of you, my love,” my mother said. “But I know you, Leo. I know when you’re hiding something from me.”

“There’s nothing,” I lied. I couldn’t tell her what I’d done.

My mom is clever, though. Maybe even more clever than my dad.

“Has something happened with Anna?” she asked shrewdly.

Even just hearing Anna’s name created a lump in my throat that almost suffocated me.

“No,” I lied again. “I’ve got to go, Mom. There’s other people waiting for the phones.”

I hung up before she could answer, vowing to wait at least two weeks to call her back again. Hoping she’ll have dropped it by then.

The first competitiontakes place at the beginning of November.

I face it with dread. I seem to have lost that burning confidence that’s always been inside of me like a pilot light, never going out, always ready to flame into a raging bonfire whenever I need it.

The concept is simple: a modified version of Capture the Flag. Each team gets their own base on their own area of the island. And we each have a flag to protect: white for the Freshmen, silver for the Sophomores, green for the Juniors, and black for the Seniors.

“Why’s ours the easiest to see?” Bram grumbles.

“Who cares?” Dean replies coolly. He looks calm and alert, standing in our makeshift base that’s actually an empty sheep pen on the east side of the island.

I hate the look of smug satisfaction on his face. It torments me almost more than the presence of Anna herself.

Anna is leaning up against the fence, arms crossed over her chest, face somber and unsmiling. We made eye contact, briefly, as our team assembled, but it’s been several weeks since we’ve had an actual conversation with each other, and it’s clear to me that she’s dating Dean, even if they aren’t doing anything as obvious as holding hands at the moment.

I know there’s no way Dean could sit here so cheerfully, listening to me lay out the plan if he didn’t feel like the Captainship barely mattered anymore, that he already has something better.

I look at Anna, wondering if she’s missing me the way I’m missing her. Or if she only feels pity for me, because she can tell that I’m hurting.

Not having Anna as my best friend anymore is like having empty sockets where my teeth used to be, or a stump instead of a hand. A hundred times a day I think of something funny to tell her, or a question I want to ask her. And then I remember that we’re barely on speaking terms.

For the first time in my life I can’t eat. My shorts feel looser than normal around my hips, and it pisses me off to see Dean looking healthier, his hair sleek, his skin as clear as Anna’s. I hate that they look good next to each other, that he matches Anna better than I do, both blonde and fair. I feel like he’s sucking the life out of me. As I get weaker, he gets stronger. Anna was my life force, and he stole her from me.

We’re all dressed in our gym attire—gray pullovers as well as shorts, since it’s windy and sunless. The seabirds make harsh cawing sounds as they’re buffeted side to side while trying to take off from the rocky cliffs.

I have the seventy Freshmen spread out around me, like a general marshaling his troops. I know I have to speak confidently and clearly. It’s my first time leading them.Everything hinges on my ability to convince them to follow me, without question, and without hesitation.

---