Page 126 of Kingmakers, Year One

The stables are on the far west side of campus, and a popular place for revelry when the weather is bad. It’s been a long time since any animals were kept here, but you can still find traces of hay between the wooden floorboards.

One end of the stables is used for storage of odds and ends—broken desks and chairs, moldy textbooks, worn-out mops and brooms, stacks of filing boxes containing the records of studentslong dead. The still-living students have cleared the opposite side so we can gather here without attracting attention.

The most functional of the broken furniture has been repaired and repurposed to give us somewhere to sit. This includes a large sofa that apparently used to reside in the Chancellor’s office until two of the legs snapped off. Now its green velvet is stained and torn, and it groans beneath the weight of a half-dozen Enforcers.

Music is playing from a speaker that looks like the same one Dean borrowed the night I met him in the icehouse. The sound quality is tinny, but nobody cares. It’s turned up full-volume, blasting Mac Miller.

I don’t see Dean himself, which is a relief. I doubt he’ll come—the last thing he’ll want to do is watch Leo celebrate his victory.

Bram, however, is over by a hollowed-out watermelon turned into a makeshift punch bowl, pouring in a foul-looking combination of liquors.

My eyes keep roaming until I spot the person I most want to see: Leo. He’s surrounded by a crowd of ecstatic Freshmen, assuring them that he thinks our chances of winning theQuartum Bellumhave never been better.

As if he can feel me looking at him, he glances up and breaks into a grin, then immediately winces because the smile re-opened his split lip.

I’ve never seen him so beat up in my life. His right eye is almost swollen shut, and his entire face is a map of cuts and bruises. His bright eyes and huge grin shine through all the same, showing that nothing in the world can keep Leo down for long.

I wish there weren’t so many people around. The smell of alcohol and the noise of the party and the press of excited Freshmen crowding around Leo is bringing back painfulmemories. This is very like the night three months ago when he became Captain.

I went into that evening full of hope and anticipation.

I’m afraid to allow myself to feel those same emotions over again.

Leo and I have been recovering our friendliness, bit by bit. But I don’t know if we can ever go back to where we were.

Actually, I’m sure we can’t. Too much has happened since then. It’s just like I was thinking up in my room—Leo has changed. And so have I.

The night of that other party, when we walked down the path to Moon Beach, all I wanted was for Leo to kiss me. I wanted to see if the thing I’d been feeling could take physical form. I wanted to see if the attraction I felt would bloom if his lips met mine.

Now . . . now I want something much different than that.

I think of the trust, the companionship, and the connection we had. I want all of that as love, not just friendship.

But I don’t know if that’s possible. How could Leo and I truly give ourselves to each other after what happened? He hurt me, and I hurt him back. He fucked some girl almost in front of me, and I dated his worst enemy.

I know I made mistakes too. It wasn’t just Leo—I had a lot of growing up to do this year.

But it still jabs at me, thinking about it. My hopes that were so high that night, dashed on the rocks when I saw Leo with Gemma . . .

Can you ever really forgive something that hurt that bad?

Does Leo even want to forgive me . . . or to be with me?

The other day he practically gave his blessing for me to date Dean. It seemed like he didn’t even care.

Well, that’s all over now one way or another. I told that to Dean a few days after his disastrous attempt to fuck me. Hecornered me outside my dorm, and I told him it was over. He narrowed his eyes at me and said, “No it isn’t.”

“That’s not up to you.” My fingers shook, though I willed them not to. “I don’t want to see you anymore.”

He stared at me, not answering. Then he said, “We’ll see about that.”

I don’t know what the fuck that was supposed to mean, and I don’t care.

Maybe I should have told Leo that Dean and I broke up, but it hurt my feelings all over again, the way he didn’t seem to give a shit anymore. The way he almost seemed to be promoting it.

That’s why I don’t run over to Leo right now, pushing my way through the crowd of people around him. Because after all this time I still don’t know how he feels about me.

It may be that he just wants his best friend back.

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