Page 114 of Kingmakers, Year One

“Alright,” she says at last. “I’ll meet you after dinner.”

She takes Chay’s arm, and they hurry off to their next class.

Bram cocks an eyebrow at me, unsmiling. His idea of handling a woman is bending her until she breaks. He thinks Anna has me wrapped around her little finger. And he might be right.

Anna has taken the soul out of me. She’s holding it tight in those slim, pale hands.

It’s time for me to take something from her.

21

ANNA

Ifelt like I was making progress in moving on from Leo. I’ve been able to attend classes with him without a sick feeling of dread every time I walk into the room. I’ve genuinely been having fun with Chay and Zoe. And I’ve even been relaxing a little with Dean—trying to focus on him as a person, without constantly comparing him to Leo.

The only problem is that I’m not sure exactly how much I like Dean.

There are things about him that attract me, certainly. His intelligence, primarily. His discipline. And his intense interest in me is, of course, flattering.

But other things I don’t like. No matter what he says about the hierarchy of Heirs and everyone else, I simply don’t like his elitism. Even in the mafia world, there are two kinds of bosses: those who lead by fear, and those who lead by loyalty. I know which one I want to be. I don’t think Dean falls on the same side.

Then there’s the constant pressure. I’ve told him a dozen times that I want to go slow, that I’m not ready to jump into a serious relationship. But he’s incessantly pushing me for more time, more interaction, and especially more physical contact.

That part is my fault.

It’s probably a mistake to date someone if I don’t want to fuck them. Sex is what any boy will expect.

And I’m not against having sex. I’ve never been against it. It’s just never felt right in the moment. It’s like there’s this barrier keeping me from taking that last, final step into adulthood.

I wish I could punch my ticket as casually as other people seem to do it. I’d honestly prefer if it were over and done with. I don’t know why I’m afraid of it, but I am. I don’t want it to mean something, but it does.

And then, on top of it all, right when I feel like I’m regaining a little equilibrium, Leo knocks me over again.

It was just a fucking sweatshirt. I didn’t even have to take it.

But it was cold, and Leo was looking at me with those amber-colored eyes that looked warmer than any flame, that seemed to light me up from the inside. Making me weak and melting.

I took the sweatshirt and pulled it over my head.

And oh my fucking god, it filled my whole lungs with his scent. Leo smells better than any human on earth. His scent is warm and sweet and spicy all at once. It gives me a head rush, it makes my heart pound and my skin throb.

It’s linked to a thousand happy memories, almost all my best and brightest. They flickered before my eyes until even that gray and barren field looked golden.

I wanted to cry from how bad I wished I could stop feeling that way. But I have no control over it. My attraction to Leo is a supernatural force. It takes me over in an instant and wipes away months of progress.

Then I ran into Dean while I was still wearing that goddamned sweater, and I know he saw it. I was flushed and guilty, and he demanded that I come see him tonight, and I had to agree.

Now I’m on my way to meet him, wondering what the fuck I’m going to do about any of this.

It’s nighttime, past ten o’clock on one of the coldest days of the year, so the castle grounds are almost empty. The vast spaces between stone towers and walls look bleak and wind-blasted. Only the greenhouses are still bright and lush, their windows steamed up from the warmth of the plants within, and the verdant green visible through the foggy panes.

The black dome of the sky is dark and starless.

I feel low.

As hard as I’ve been trying to fight it, a deep depression has been taking hold of me.

This is something I’ve fought all my life. I’m afraid I inherited it from my father. Often, and not always for a good reason, sadness takes hold of me. I have to actively battle it, I have to try to focus on the things that are bright and stimulating and interesting in the world, or else depression wraps its tentacles around me and begins to drag me down.

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