Page 136 of Kingmakers, Year Two

“That’s a good thing,” Miles tells her, gently. “Otherwise this might have been a bigger problem. As it stands . . . we’re lucky.”

He casts a quick glance in my direction.

Twice now I’ve seen Miles looking at me as if he might suspect my secret.

In the past, I would have given the truth away immediately.

But now I have the ultimate poker face.

I’m numb inside, hollow and emotionless.

I killed someone.

I’m a murderer.

I know Rocco was awful. I know he wanted to hurt my sister. I know he had to die.

And yet . . . I feel so fucking guilty.

I can’t crush it down.

I can’t make it stop.

For all the things that terrified me about my plan—the possibility that Rocco would torture or kill me, the chance that I’d be caught and executed, or just the fact that it might not work at all, that I’d fail and Rocco would still be walking around free to seek revenge upon my sister . . .

The one thing I never considered is how awful I might feel afterward.

I’ve done something irrevocable.

Whatever happens for the rest of my life . . . I’m different now. I’m no longer innocent. No longer good.

I can never take this back.

And Iwouldn’ttake it back—that’s the maddest part of all. I don’t regret it. My sister is safe and happy. It’s what I wanted.

But even that fact only serves to prove that I truly am an evil person.

I know myself in a way I never did before.

I killed without hesitation. And I’d do it again.

Thank god the school year is over. I muddled through my final exams, distracted and foggy-headed. Yet I passed them all, retaining enough of the hard-won information I learned this year.

Now I’ve allowed Miles and Zoe to convince me to accompany them to Chicago, at least for a couple of weeks. I’m going to see America for the very first time.

I can’t feel any emotion as pleasant as excitement. But I will be relieved to be away from this campus, where I won’t have to pass that stretch of wall where I committed the ultimate crime.

I hope a long summer will dull the pain, and I’ll be able to return here in the fall, pretending that nothing happened.

It helps that no one wants to talk about Rocco Prince. By September, they may truly have forgotten him entirely.

The wagons have cometo take away our bags, and to ferry us down to the harbor. All the students take the same ship back to Dubrovnik, so I’ll be with Zoe this time. We’re going to fly directly to Chicago.

I’m nervous to meet the Griffin family, but I know Miles will make us comfortable, and that Zoe can’t fail to charm them with her intelligence and beauty. I’ll be her quiet shadow as always, safe at her side.

The Undercroft is nearly deserted, most everyone having carried up their luggage early this morning, then spent the rest of the remaining time laughing, talking, and wrestling in the summer sunshine.

I’m lingering down here because I want to be alone. I want to sit in the cool, dry darkness a little longer.

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